Celebrity Heroes

The Grammys Tell Conservatives - We Ain't Ready to Make Nice!

2007-02-12T10:55:00.000-08:00

It was a night reminiscent of when bands like A Taste of Honey won best new artist over Elvis Costello, and Milli Vinilli epitomized the best of what the Grammy gene-pool had to offer. In a "Take That!" moment, the Grammys made a mother of a statement and gave 5 of its most notable awards to the Dixie Chix. The Dixie Chix may have produced a mediocre album with "Taking the Long Way" but LaLa Land rewarded it largely with Grammys for political reasons, and making the statement that, "Shut up and shell out your hard earned cash to buy our records whether you agree with us or not!" to Americans who once made the suggestion that perhaps "artists" should "shut up and sing" if they don't want to lose their core fan base. The pleasantly plump Natalie Maines said, "See? THAT's freedom of speech, y'all. Not what YOU say, but only whin WE say it! What y'all say is jus... well I don't know because it ain't in ma vocabu... vocabu... I ain't lernt that word yit."

Maines looked lovely in a black, gold chain-laden moo-moo designed by Lane Bryant.

A Sad Ironic Twist: Who's the Shrub Now?

2007-02-01T09:55:00.000-08:00

Beloved columnist Molly Ivins finally kicked the bucket yesterday after her long battle with breast cancer. Ms. Ivins made a name for herself on the heels of President Bush. Nearly every article she wrote was about him, criticizing his politics and attacking him personally.

In her second to last column she wrote, "The president of the United States does not have the sense God gave a duck." She wrote the bestseller "Shrub: The Short but Happy Life I've Enjoyed As A Result of Constantly Complaining About George W. Bush" and "Bushwhacked: Life As An Elitist, Overindulged So-called 'Journalist' in George W. Bush's America." She was working on a final book, "Thanks to George W. Bush I'm Rich and Otherwise Might Not Be Able To Afford All of These Doctors Bills." when she succumbed to the cancer she did nothing to prevent. Oh what irony that Ms. Ivins became "bushwhacked" by the cruelty of breast cancer. And Ms. Ivins being all but a dead lump, (no pun intended,) one begs the question, "Ms. Ivins, who is the shrub now?"

Her Twainian wit and obsessive rants about President Bush will be missed.

Alec Baldwin, Sean Penn, Saddened by Death of "Great Man"

2007-01-03T09:24:00.000-08:00

"With his quiet integrity, common sense, and kind instincts, he helped heal our land and restore public confidence in leadership," said Sean Penn last night in a statement grieving whom he considered a longtime "friend" and comrade, Saddam Hussein. Saddam Hussein, the former Iraqi dictator who spent his last years in captivity after his ruthless regime was toppled by the U.S.-led coalition in 2003, was hanged before dawn Saturday, December 30th, for crimes committed in a brutal crackdown during his reign. Actor Alec Baldwin added, "If you think this is going to make the Iraqi people happy, you're wrong Mr. Bush. They're going to step up their attacks on your stupid American soldiers - I mean our smart and wonderful soldiers that have unwittingly fallen pawn to your game, Mr. Bush. You just wait and see."

Hussein was convicted on November 5 of crimes against humanity in connection with the killings of 148 people in the town of Dujail after an attempt on his life.

The dictator was found guilty of murder, torture and forced deportation.

Danny "DeVino" DeVito: Proud to be Drunken White Trash!

2006-11-30T13:23:00.000-08:00

Danny DeVito appeared on TV show "The View" yesterday morning in a drunken stupor after a night of heavy partying with pal George Clooney. After he stumbled onto the set, he started ranting about how he had, "been at the White House during the Clinton... uh, the Clinton... time?" DeVito then launched into a boozy yet comedically brilliant rant against President George W. Bush. "Bluh, bluh bluh bluh bluh bluh bluh bluh, blee blee blee blee blee blee blee blee," said the former star of "Taxi", "Dum duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh dee dee mum mum mum mum mum mum blee blee blee blee," while Rosie O'Donnell laughed like her inner 3-year-old.

The diminutive former star also bragged that he and his wife Rhea Perlman made sure to "utilize every surface available" in the famous Lincoln Bedroom while they were guests of the Clintons. Said Mr. DeVito, "We did it everywhere in the Lincoln bedroom if ya know what I mean." Elisabeth Hasselbeck was trying politely not to vomit in her mouth when he continued, "We made it our business to wreck everything in the joint. I gave it to uRhea hard and many times with my 2 inch l'il smokey." Barbara Walters later divulged that she has, "seen many things in this world; hyenas feasting on dead gizelles in the rift valley, a woman with a goiter 3 times the size of a balloon, Fidel Castro nude, but the visual of DeVito and Perlman 'doing it' will cost me a few extra sessions at my therapist's."

Mr. DeVito's publicist Stan Rosenfield said that his client has requested Walters' phone number and that he would say "what needed to be said privately" to her. Ms. Walters' response? "As long is it doesn't conjure ANY and I mean ANY images of him or his wife doing ANYTHING without clothes... ANYTHING."

Roseanne: Hears Voices and Hates Bush!

2006-11-16T09:28:00.000-08:00

Roseanne: she's big, she's funny and she hates Bush like the rest of us! Barr, a high school dropout, was born with the type of natural political instinct and analysis that's bestowed on gifted people like George Clooney and Barbra Streisand. While she admits that she, like Babs, has a tough time spelling words like "government", her analysis is right on - like when she writes on her blog that, "Bush is going to declare war on China next, I swear." What an astute observation! Bush has been trying to "convince" us that he's working on positive relations with China by extending permanent normal trading relations with them, allowing China's accession to the World Trade Organization and wants to include China in multi-lateral talks with North Korea, but we all know secretly he's waiting for the perfect time to declare war behind our collective backs. Who cares if it doesn't make any sense geopolitically - or it completely conradicts every step he's taken with China so far - that's our Bush, right? He's our unpredictable idiot/savant who declares war on any country he chooses willy-nilly, while all the while mispronouncing "nuclear".

She talked about all of that and more with Larry King last Tuesday. When Larry asked her about her Chinese prediction:

KING: On your blog you write, "Bush is going to declare war on China next, I swear."

BARR: I was so scared because I woke up and there was the Drudge, you know. I always read the Drudge Report and it said on there that the Chinese were like, you know, spying on our subs or doing something with our subs and I was like, "Oh no, he's going to think that's an act of war and then we're going to go over there next." I mean we're everywhere. We're everywhere.

And she's STILL got it in the funny department:

BARR: I want to talk about my last joke where I'm going, "I hate the president. I hate the president! I hate Bush! I hate George Bush! I hate George Bush! I hate the president! I hate the president!"

HILARIOUS! It takes a comedic genius like Roseanne to come up with a joke like that. She claims that her writers only took a month to write it! Wow! That's talent!

Perhaps her astute political obervations can be attributed to her communication with otherworldly beings. Yes, Roseanne hears voices:

BARR: I hear like, voices and stuff. No they don't have names or if they do I can't pronounce the names because like they're from other planets and stuff and like can't speak no names like we do.

INTERVIEWER: Well, if they can't speak their names to you - how do they communicate anything else to you? Do you understand what I'm asking? If they don't speak English, per se, then how do you understand them?

BARR: It ain't like that. It's like I sense the energy and stuff and know what they're sayin'. It ain't like regular communication or nothin'.

What a brain! What a talent! And we can boast that she is yet another celebrity hero on OUR SIDE! Thanks Roseanne!

Voter Fraud! Voter Fraud!

2006-11-07T10:18:00.000-08:00

I don't generally blog about politics unless it involves a celebrity, (hence the name "Celebrity Heroes" but this is something that really needs to be looked at and HARD! It's November 7th - the day of THE mid-term election of the century. Will Bush finally be impeached and his family get the comeuppance they deserve? Or will the RethugliKKKants steal this one too? I don't have much to fear in my own backyard, as I live in the lovely true-blue state of Minnesota. Proud home of Paul Wellstone, Eugene McCarthy and the judge that made Roe vs. Wade a household couple of names! This election makes me really wish I lived in Minneapolis' 5th District where they are going to elect the one and only Muslim House member! Isn't that exciting? See San Francisco and New York? We have people of color in our neck of the woods too! And I bet he'll get big stars here like Danny Glover, Harry "Day-Oh!" Belafonte, and that hunky dictator Hugo Chavez, (step aside Cindy Sheehan! He's all mine!) I'm simply giddy with anticipation.

But even though it's only dinnertime here in Minnesota as I write this, (12:36pm to be exact) I've smelled something around the blogosphere. It smells like a big sweaty, hairy armpit with some pachuli mixed in: it smells like voter fraud. See, while some may disagree in my lovely little blue state, we can still be civil, (by civil I mean make a point of not talking to one another,) in public. Not so in other places. The libby blogs are already reporting that this election - our historical revolution - was stolen ALREADY. Of course it had to happen, right? Why did we think Bush & Co. would stop now? Bush & Co conspired with Fox News and all of the other uber conservative media, (ABC, CBS, CNN, The Star Tribune, The Pioneer Press, The Washington Post, Boys Life, Time, Newsweek - the lot!) to paint the Republican party as the party of purity, the party of honoring the military, (even if they are a bunch of stupid thugs who don't deserve it! Speak truth to power, Kerry!) and the greatest party whoever lived. Why - you woulda thought that Abraham Lincoln was a Republcian or something! My Gosh! Nice try!

But I hate to tell ya, IF the Rethugs take the House and the Senate or the House or the Senate - you're right to smell a rat, people. They're already turning away undocumented Mexicans who aren't registered to vote! AND word has it that they are not letting the pre-registered dead people vote in New York! So, buckle up Dems. Because if we win, we won. But if we lost we know it's fraud!

Rosie O'Donnel Doesn't Mind Being Token Hermapradite on ABC's "The View"

2006-10-30T08:40:00.000-08:00

When asked if Rosie O'Donnel minded being Barbwa Walters token Hermaphradite on ABC's, "The View" the 343lb star simply said, "No." and added, "They already have a cute, well-informed girl; Elizabeth. Mmmmm and she smells mighty good - it's her hair, mostly. I love clutching her hand when I have the opportunity, and the fire in her eyes when she presents facts or defends human life. She's firey AND feminine - just my type. Except that I'm married, of course, to a lovely woman. But it's nice... being near Elizabeth. Smelling her. So, no, I love having a penis and I don't mind that Barbara exploits that."
We sure don't mind either, Rosie!

Michael J. Fox Pleads: "I need embroyos so I can make 'Back to the Future 4'"!

2006-10-26T07:27:00.000-07:00

The brave Michael J. Fox started his day with a mission. He decidedly did not take his medication so when he was being taped for his latest commercial he could show the American public the unabashed ravages of Parkinsons disease. Michael J. Fox may be a big star - but he's also a victim. A victim of Republican policy to deny him his right to be cured by embroyonic stem cell research. That's why he's doing a series of commercials for various Democratic candidates across the nation. True, there is all kinds of stem cell research happening and many good treatments that have resulted, but we are also aware of the assured cure that specifically embroyonic stem cells can bring. Christopher Reeve would be alive today had the Republicans just allowed babies to be sacrificed at the alter of the mighty "superman". Republicans flat out refuse to give up their unborn, or even support using taxes to fund others to give up their unborn human beings to research or cloning. Imagine: we could clone another superman, or Michael J. Fox if only the Republicans did the right thing and ignored the ridiculous resemblance between embroyos and human beings. We could clone the entire cast of "Family Ties" and have a brand new season with fresh 21-st century ideas. We would all be excited for the next in the "Back to the Future" series. Perhaps it would have a plot where Marty McFly goes back in time collecting aborted fetuses for Dr. Emmett Brown so he could then start working on a cure before the Republicans ruined it all and started outlawing involuntary pre-human experimentation.

If that isn't despicable enough, Rush Limbaugh - the devil himself - dared imply that MJF did not take his medication as a deliberate form of self-exploitation for political purposes. Okay, so Rush was correct, but that's still a mean thing to do, given that MJF is a victim and Rush did not have proof that Mr. Fox did this. He simply reached this conclusion by basing it on statements Mr. Fox made in prior interviews and his book.

Well, it didn't deter Michael J. Fox from his mission: unseating Republicans so that he could eventually have his dream; a Parkinson's-free comeback all thanks to the blood, sweat and tissue of those little embroyonic heroes.

Cameron Diaz Was Right: Rape Is Now Legal

2006-10-18T13:08:00.000-07:00

Well, Cameron Diaz warned us all. But the masses chose not to listen and voted for George W. Bush as their leader. Less than two years later, he signed a bill making rape legal. "I just want to say that men everywhere will remember this day as a happy one. There's a great feeling to know that any man can rape any other man, woman or child at any time without the fear of negative consequence. Hopefully this will increase the need for unwanted pregnancies and abortions; a boon to the economy in the medical world and an aid to forwarding embroyonic stem cell research. As we all know, you can't have embroyonic stem cells without embroyos; and I've never been secretive about my unwavering support of just this type of stem cell research. This will also show the world that we are sympathetic to those suffering from AIDS and other incurable and potentially fatal sexually transmitted diseases. With the increase of rape and the legalization of it, we will be forced to deal with this growing world wide epidemic head on, in our own neighborhood." He finished with commentary on how the government shouldn't judge what a man or woman does with his or her own body. If that man or woman wants to use their body as a weapon, it is not the place of the government to intervene.

CBS News reporter Katie Couric asked Cameron Diaz how she felt about being right, "Welp," started Diaz, "everyone said that what I said was stupid and like what did I mean by saying rape would be legal if people didn't vote. Welp this is what I meant. This very thing, totally. And like it really sucks to say 'I told you so' because this is so bad and all, but I totally told you so."

Babs - A Klass Akt

2006-10-12T07:58:00.000-07:00

Helloe everywon. Barbra here. How R U? I just wunted to cleer sum things up about wot hapned at that Madison Skware Garden shoe last weekend. First of all, we all no that george W. Bushe is an idiet. Right? Am I right forlks? U need prooof? Well just lissen to him talk. He talks like an idiet. Thats enuff proof. U, yoreself wuld have to be an idiet to think that man is smart. I meen pleeeez. Peeple say that becuz I didn't finish hi skool and I hav speling problems and he has a Harvard MBA and he wuz a fiter pilote and he wint to Yale and so on and so forthe that makes him smarter thin me - but lissen to him talk, I'm telling U. I meen, the way a persson talks is the total mesure of their brane, isn't it? Oh, rite, he talks that way so that peepel in the south will think heez won of them - baloney! My very good frend, Bill Clinton didn't do that. Bill CLinton sounded like a hick becuz he was the reel deel.

So anyhow- in between "Guilty" and "Evergreen" I put together this little skit with a guy dressd like Mr. Bushe. It was fun. We shoed wot an idiet he is. Sum peepel thot that it wasn't the time or place for taht sort of thing. I gess they just thot that I wuld sing and nuthing eldse. Gess they nevver reed my "Trooth Alurts" do they? Ok so the costoomed guy and me were x-changeing zingers and sum NEO-con wuz heck... hekk... helkel... giving me a hard time so I told him to shut the fu*k up. Such a deel! If you like Bushe then dont cum to my shoe or as I say in won of my favrit songs that I sing - dont rain on MY parade.

Ms. Magazine to Women – “Stand up and Be Proud of Your Reckless Sexual Behavior!"

2006-10-06T14:02:00.000-07:00

Ms. Magazine asked famous - and non-famous - women all over the country to "come out and be proud" of their sexual recklessness and say, "Yeah! I had an abortion and I would do it again! No regrets!" The famous signatories include Ms. founder Gloria Steinem, comedian Carol Leifer, and actresses Kathy Najimy and Amy Brennemmenneman (?), - practically household names. When pressed, star of the once popular TV show, "Judging Amy" (? wasn't Tyne Daly in that show? anyway...) Amy Brennemmmenaman said, "It's really really important, that like, women and girls get to have abortions. Why should we have to make men wear condoms? It's about freedom. The freedom to bareback with anyone at anytime in any country on any continent, get pregnant over and over again, get any STD I want and it's none of the government's business - even if I spread it, and my legs, to the entire country." Star of "Sister Act II", Kathy Najimy, said, "As far as sex goes, I gotta take it where I can get it and if that means that the only way I can get it is by lowering my standards and not making the guy wear a condom, then he's the master: I don't question him." When asked, "What about you using birth control? There are about 143 different methods on the market now unlike in 1972." Ms. Najimy replied, "That requires going to the doctor, getting information, learning about that stuff, blah blah blah - do you think I got this junk in my trunk by being anything other than a lazy fat pig? Huh. Think again!" Carol Leifer just said, "Hey, I am what you call butt-ugly. All of the women in my family are. I look like this even with a great stylist. Just look at me for a second and ask yourself what kind of offspring I would have. I did. Hence my decision to abort."
Ms. Magazine is right: why should women take precautions? It's our bodies and the government and laws shouldn't dictate what we do with them. If we want to smoke or shoot heroin while we're pregnant - well, my body my choice. And to heck with anyone who tries to stop me, right Gloria?

George Clooney: "I'm Going to Date Lots of Men - Including Rep. Mark Foley - to Get Back at the Paparazzi."

2006-10-05T14:38:00.000-07:00

NEW YORK — Paparazzi, beware. George Clooney has a plan to put celeb-snapping photographers out of business.
"I want to spend every single night for three months going out with Representative Mark Foley and then walk on the beach holding hands with Leonardo DiCaprio. Before you say, 'but Foley is a Republican' Let me make this point, he's good looking and maybe I could get him to switch parties. Oh and - of course - it's not that I'm gay or anything. Absolutely not, no way, are you kidding? [nervous laughter] It's to... so that... um...people would still buy the magazines, they'd still buy the pictures, but they would always go, 'I don't know if these guys were putting us on or not.' You know, um... because people really think that much about me and my life and they think really hard about those pictures they see in the tabloids rather than just picking them up on their way out of the grocery store as a kind of way to make fun and laugh at us. No, they don't do that. They really, truly care. So I've really thought about this. Hard."

He had other nice things to say about his fellow thespians. Johnny Depp, said Clooney, "Is so smokin' I wish he played for 'our' team. I mean our softball team. Literally. We get together every Saturday. I swear that's the team I was referring to." And he thinks Clive Owen is "the big one - the whopper, if you catch my drift. And by the way he can catch my drift any time he wants," Clooney says. "He's, like, a man — there's a sexuality and a masculinity that I think is really interesting. MMMMM good. I mean - if I dated these guys - as a joke - wouldn't that be funny? Wouldn't that show the Paparazzi a thing or two?"

Vagina Monologues Writer Eve Ensler Defends Foley, Loved Being Molested by an Older Woman at 16 - Calls It a "Good Rape"

2006-10-05T13:18:00.000-07:00

Genius and innovator Eve Ensler, (and my personal hero - along with Rosie O'Donnell) wrote "The Vagina Monologues" and now the brilliant "Stomach Monologues" and is currently working on "The Fingernail Monologues, (all they ever wanted was a marking)." But she came out swinging on behalf of Representative Mark Foley yesterday at the "World Can't Wait" march. After reading a poem she wrote about her father, Eve told the crowd of nearly 16, "You know, I am all for young people exploring their sexuality with their elders. Let me tell you a little something. 16 years old. There is this gorgeous and I mean gorgeous, 24-year old woman in our neighborhood. She invites me into her car. She asks me if I like to kiss boys, and I say, 'no I do not like that.'and she leans over, and she kisses me so softly on the lips, with her lips. And then she puts her tongue in my mouth. She asked me if I wanted to come to her house, and then she kisses me again, and tells me to relax, to feel it, to let our tongues feel it. She asks my mama if I can spend the night, and my mama's delighted, I'm scared, but really can't wait. I want to be just like her when I grow up. She makes a vodka for herself, and then she asks me what I'm drinking. I say the same as she's drinking. The pretty lady makes me a drink. Then she changes into this chocolate satin teddy. The alcohol has gone to my head,
and I am loose. I am ready. She does everything to me and my coochie snorcher that I always thought was nasty beforehand OH, MY GOD, I am excited. You know, I realized later, she was my surprising, unexpected, politically incorrect salvation. She transformed my sorry-ass coochie snorcher and raised it up into a kind of heaven." The crowd went wild with applause. "So you see," Ms. Ensler concluded, "If I say that I'm disgusted by what Representative Foley did, and if a peep is heard by anyone who ever performed or is a fan of 'The Vagina Monologues' about how Rep. Foley is some kind of pervert - then I guess that would make us hypocrites, wouldn't it?"

Rosie O'Donnell: "I don't see what's so bad about what that Foley guy did. Oh wait. He's a Republican? Then it's terrible!"

2006-10-02T14:27:00.000-07:00

Rosie O'Donnell who fancies herself a "really politically savvy person of color" said, "Oh that Foley guy who was caught IMing a 16 year old boy is a terrible person and a pedophile." When asked about her coming on to a 15 year old female intern who was working on the smashingly successful "Rosie!" magazine back in 2001 she said, "It was consensual. She wanted it. She came in to work with her perky little happy D-cup boobies and she was such a cutie patooty I couldn't resist."

New Movie Exposes Dubya & Nixon Killed John Lennon

2006-09-26T14:51:00.000-07:00

Dubya killed John Lennon - no doubt. And now there's a movie that links the murder of John Lennon to George W. Bush and his really good friend and co-hort, Richard Milhouse Nixon. But we don't need a movie to inform us of that. We all know that both men love death. They love it more than they love roasted puppies on the spit, the dead of Winter and the smell of Napalm in the morning. They love it more than the Cloonster loves his ruby-bejeweled merkin that Marc Jacobs designed especially for him. How do we know? Because Nixon started the Viet Nam war - then escalated it - imposed a draft where there previously was none and gleefully sent young men and women to die while he rubbed his hands together. Oh yes, ladies and gentlemen - don't let your government sponsored propagandist history books fool you: a Republican started Viet Nam - not Kennedy and a Republican escalated it - not Johnson. It was up to Jimmah Carter to end the war and save the "Me" generation from being entirely wiped out. But besides their penchant for death there are other links between Dubya and Tricky-Dick and the death of John Lennon:
A) Bush and Nixon were very tight - like uncle and nephew - when Bush Sr. was head of the CIA. AND they were working together on a plan to deport all British born drug-addict/rock stars - you know - because rock stars are so important and influential and really smart and educated people follow whatever rock stars or actors, (like Rosie O'Donnell) think.
B) Mark David Chapman was from Fort Worth Texas which - granted is about 300 miles from Midland but given the vastness of Texas that's relatively really close
C) Dubya had a little known illegitimate uncle who was the product of a liaison his grandfather, Senator Prescott Bush had with a woman who lived in Fort Worth. Her name? Diane Chapman.
D) The Down Syndrome memo, written in the Spring of 1981 states clearly that Mark David Chapman received no less than 6,000 shares in Bush Oil Co and 450 shares of the Texas Rangers baseball team. It reads, "Hey Georgie boy. When are you and that lady of yours going to have little Bushies? Don't you think it's about time you did? Have we communicated since that Chapman guy killed John Lennon?" PROVING that George W. Bush knew about the murder and who the murderer was. Thus concluding that they planned the whole thing, hired Mark David Chapman and rewarded him for it.
E) It is a well known fact that Dubya preferred the Rolling Stones - who did "Sympathy for the Devil" and was responsible for the killing of some hippy guy at Altamont - to the fresh-faced innocent-seeming Beatles, AND when Sgt. Papsmear and his Lonely Fartsounds Band came out, Bush preferred "Pet Sounds" by the Beach Boys and commented, "This is way better than that pretentious overrated shit the Beatles are farting out of their armpits these days. Shit. The Kinks already did a concept album called 'Arthur' and it actually had some relevance to what's going on in England. This is just egomaniacal third grade cacophony." (his vocabulary was much better before the cocaine.)
F) According to very reliable sources of Bush biographer Kitty Kelly, when "Double Fantasy" came out - right before Lennon's murder - Dubya said, "I knew that Lennon was washed up - this proves it. This crap makes A Taste of Honey's 'Boogie Oogie Oogie' sound like Handel's Messiah. People have been killed for less than putting this shit out on the airwaves," which is a bona-fide threat to most liberals.
And saying anything bad about John Lennon's music - even the unlistenable "Every Man Has a Woman Who Loves Him" - is tantamount to blasphemy. Lennon is our Jesus. Even though Lennon begged, pleaded, pulled every string imaginable and used his celebrity and millions of dollars to stay in the US, Nixon paid him back by bugging his chic Manhattan Upper West side Dakota co-op, spying on him, making him and his wife pay taxes and pestering him for autographs. Shame on you Dubya for crucifying our Jesus.

Rosie O’Donnell Proven Right About Christian Remarks

2006-09-20T10:30:00.000-07:00

Newest addition to ABC’s “The View”, robust Rosie O’Donnell, was proven right this week when she compared Islamofascists to radical Christians. On September 12th’s “The View”, Ms. O’Donnell remarked, "Radical Christianity is just as threatening as radical Islam in a country like America." After Ms. O’Donnell’s remarks, The Pope demanded an apology and Christians went on a violent rampage burning O’Donnell in effigy, burning ABC affiliate studios, executing an ABC reporter, and threatening “that fat, rug-munching slob” and her, “shit-stabbing friends” unless she retracted the comment. “Behead those who insult Christianity!” read one sign held by a woman peering out from her veil outside of the ABC studio in New York while another read, “Rosie is el Diablo.”

Rosie’s comments were referring to the way the US Christian government has forced people to wear veils, attend church and prosecute those who are non-Christians, often giving them the death sentence. No word yet on whether President Bush will bring charges against Rosie O’Donnell for her comments and what he says are, "disrespectful, anti-Christian and against America."

After Threats from Clintons, Schumer, Reid - ABC Censors Miniseries

2006-09-08T12:33:00.000-07:00

In yet another "take that!" style victory by the Clintons, (see Vince Foster,) ABC has capitulated to threats made by Democratic leaders to either cancel their ABC Docudrama, "The Path to 9/11" or have their broadcasting license revoked. Dems urged ABC to re-write the docudrama to portray George W. Bush as the only person responsible for all of the 5 Al Qaeda attacks under the Clinton administration or they would not only cry to their mommies, but they would take legislative action against the network - that is if they could manage to agree on some kind of legislation and get something - anything - passed. “Hey, make no mistake about how we feel about free speech.” said Senator Reid. “We are all for it. But when you say negative things about former President Clinton, well that’s tantamount to hate speech, which is a hate crime, which is against the law, which is why we would seek to revoke Disney’s license.” Nancy Pelosi had this to say, “What about all of the money Haliburton has made off of the war in Iraq and Scooter Libby, Karl Rove no WMD’s? What about that? No WMD’s, Haliburton, hurricane Katrina? Am I right?” When asked, “What facts do you think were misrepresented in the ABC docudrama?” Ms. Pelosi replied, “Why are we spending billions of dollars on a war on terror? We’re going to hold this administration accountable for its failed policies. We need a new direction in Iraq. Haliburton, how ‘bout those WMDs and Haliburton. Oh and hurricane Katrina, too. THAT’s our policy and it’s very clear.” Barbra Streisand simply said, “I know I kicked up a fuss about the network caving in to the right wing opposing my husband’s made for TV movie on Reagan, but I completely support this particular censorship. It’s like Fox News did it or something and we all know that Fox News presents a different viewpoint and should be banned. It should be declared a hate crime and Disney’s license should be revoked.”
Harry Reid summed it up best this way, "This is the real issue facing Democrats this mid-term election. Whether or not this docudrama will contain all unembellished facts approved by the Democratic party or not."

Bush Kills Beloved Animal Planet Star, Steve Irwin

2006-09-06T08:20:00.000-07:00

Let me ask you this… how rare is a sting ray attack? Okay, how rare is a sting ray death? There have been only two reported cases of fatal sting ray attacks in Australia since 1945 and world-wide they are extremely rare. Okay now one more, how rare is a sting ray death on someone who is an EXPERT in handling dangerous animals safely? Steve Irwin (aka “The Crocodile Hunter”) was the latest victim of “President” Bush’s failure to sign Kyoto. Why? Because as a conservationist he cared about animals and the earth. Bush only cares about oil. In fact a friend of mine who once worked on a television show with him told me that when the cameras stopped running he was talking to everyone about how delicious puppy dogs taste. He, Laura and the twins especially like the taste of roasted Scottish Terriers – like Miss. Beazley and Barney. Do you think that the dog they parade around the White House Lawn is the same Miss. Beazley that they’ve had since the beginning? Look at recent pictures of Miss Beazley compared to when they first got her; this is a completely different dog! See how much larger the “new” Miss Beazley is compared to the original Miss Beazley? If you look at this picture, you can see that Miss Beazley is almost the same size as Barney! Shrubya didn’t even try to make her look small like in the first picture.

But I digress. It is common knowledge that there is global warming and it is causing all kinds of disruptions in the ocean’s ecosystem. We have noted climatologist and celebrity hero, Barbra Streisand saying so from the comforts of her eco-friendly mansion. We also know that stingrays do not attack people. We know that in the last 6.8 years starting from January 2001 until the present that the earth has warmed 20 degrees. Just as Robert F. Kennedy Jr. said, the oceans are moments from boiling unless Bush signs Kyoto now. And until he and his oil-loving cronies do something for the environment, we will see more and more tragic deaths of the animal-loving stars of Animal Planet, (take heed Jeff Corwin!)
All I have to say is, he had a wife and 2 children! Have you no shame, Mr. Bush?

Mel Gibson Proves All Christians Hate Women

2006-08-04T07:41:00.000-07:00

“Christians” - the ones that attend “church” every Sunday before they go home to their fireside meals of roasted puppy and discuss whose rights they’re going to take away next – are all hatemongering misogynist Nazi’s as it turns out. Proving that every single Christian is an intolerant, hatemongering, spiteful piece o’ dirt, Christian leader and spokesperson, Mel Gibson, went off on a female police officer after he was pulled over for drunk driving last Friday. “What are you looking at, sugartits?", Mel asked the woman cop while being booked at a police station.

You would think that after centuries of oppression against women, of women not being able to join the same country clubs as men, not being offered the same educational opportunities, not having the right to vote in our so-called democratic society until the early 20th century, where raping and beating were accepted forms of punishment against women by husbands who didn’t like the way their meals were cooked, who are lit on fire, subject to genital mutilation, and stoned to death if there’s even a rumor of infidelity in countries like India, Egypt and Nigeria, we would have earned the right not to be called “sugartits”. But what do you expect? Mr. Gibson made the utterly offensive “The Passion of the Christ”, a movie about some Jewish guy who gets nailed to a cross after being repeatedly beaten and tortured by Roman foot soldiers. Gibson claimed that this movie was based on the gospels in the New Testament of the Bible, but that claim has since been refuted by such noted bible experts as Carl Bernstein and Jon Voight, and generally the movie has been dismissed as nothing more than sadomasochistic pornography – only worse – because it promotes the religion of hate: Christianity.

Some in the movie industry – like celebrity wannabe, (and I totally mean that in a good way,) Arianna Huffington and comedian Al Franken have suggested that Mel be blacklisted permanently from ever working in Hollywood again, much in the same way Communist sympathizers were blacklisted in the U.S. in the 1950’s. And comedian Rob Schneider, (“Animal”, “Deuce Bigalow”) stated that even if begged, he will not appear in “The Passion of the Christ 2”, a move applauded by Ms. Huffington and her very intelligent devotees.

Mel Gibson is done and should never be forgiven EVER even if he begs on hands and knees. So what if he was drunk. If he had drugged and raped a 13-year-old girl like Roman Polanski, he could be forgiven - perhaps even given an Academy Award with a standing ovation, but what he did was way worse. We all know that drugging and raping a child does not warrant blacklisting, but making idiotic comments while drunk is not only unforgivable, but should warrant the worst punishment allowed by law.

Oliver Stone’s “World Trade Center” - Good if You Like Total Fiction

2006-07-21T14:04:00.000-07:00

Every educated non-neocon knows that Bush and company orchestrated the 9/11 attacks on the World Trade Center and the Pentagon. Everyone except Oliver Stone apparently.
In his latest work, “World Trade Center” he tells the story of some firefighters who get caught up in the whole hullaballoo trying to save people and what not blah blah blah on that day.

I remember that day vividly as well but not because America finally got what it deserved for voting for the Shrub, (the few that actually did vote for him, that is.) I remember that day because I was in London and arranged to meet this cute young guy (he was 19! How exciting!) face to face that I had previously met online back in the States. He said he was going to meet me at Bar Italia on 5th Street. I waited and waited but he never showed. Blah blah blah America was attacked, blah blah blah the WTC towers came down – but I was really bummed that my 19 year old hottie never showed and I never saw any action the whole time I was in London. I hauled my cookies all the way to LONDON for this! Then I had to wait until we could finally fly back to the US.
Thanks Shrubya.
I just don’t’ get it. Does Oliver Stone actually care what American audiences think? Or does he and the studio need the receipts that patriotic, *barf* American audiences deliver? Is the studio system that desperate for money? You know things are bad when National Review Online editor Kathryn Jean Lopez writes:
“…It’s about a Marine who will drop everything to return to service. It’s about a team of rescue workers who will leave no man to die. It’s about our deep, abiding faith in God. It’s about our love of family, and the work we’ll do for them, and the joy they bring us. It’s about the irreplaceable, incomparable bond between a man and wife.”
Disgusting. We all know marines care about killing and raping and they will take every opportunity to do that they can. Our deep abiding faith in God, you say? What God, I say! The one that leaves little children to die at the hands of the unprovoked and savage Israelis? That God? The one that FOUNDED Israel to begin with? Oh and the love of family – you’ve got to be kidding me. Like my family? My old drunk father coming home at all hours of the night after being literally thrown out of Stand up Franks – stumbling through the door just so he could smack us around? Tell me about your God, family and marines, Mr. Stone. Frankly I expected more from a fellow conspiracy theorist and hemp lover such as yourself. Frankly I think you need to get an education neo-con Stone, before we Lieberman your ass too! Do you need the money? Well, I’m going to officially send you a quarter so you can call someone who cares!

"The Good Body" by Eve Ensler: A Celebrity Heroes Review!

2006-07-19T12:05:00.000-07:00

Hi everyone, (well the 2 of you that comment here). It’s me, Ronnie Richter-Quegle (alias rr) your Celebrity Heroes blogger doing my first review! My theater company – the Coon Rapids Players, (we jokingly call ourselves, “the Coon Rapids Playas, yo!” because we’re down like that!) were thinking of doing Eve Ensler’s latest ingenious work “The Good Body”, given the previous success we had with our version of “The Vagina Monologues” back in January. Coon Rapids may not have been ready for the word “vagina” to be uttered publicly but we gave it to them – boy howdy - and had quite an audience! And they paid $5 a head admission at that! Not only that, but I gotta hand it to our very own CR player, Jim Larssen. What a good sport he was to dress up like Julianne Moore, get up in front of an audience and say, “I love hair. I mean.... hair vagina, hair is vagina, the vagina is hair, I‘d like a lot more hair. Actually I’m a redhead and everything is red. I mean it’s just red, red , red, red, red, red, red.” He brought the house down doing it, to boot! By the by – a big shout out to the women of the Minneapolis Fire Department and the entire women's’ Gopher Basketball team as they came out in full to lend their support! Thank you ladies!
Well, Eve has done it again. She’s written yet another groundbreaker that promises to raise awareness about how insecure we women feel about our own bodies. She may have well called it “The Stomach Monologues” but instead called it, “The Good Body”. Rather than focusing on Eve’s vagina and how stinky, crusty, saggy, scabby and hairy it is, this time she focuses on how much she hates her stomach: how it craves food that goes straight to the thighs, (boy! Can I relate! No need to ingest – just strap-er-on to the old saddlebags!) how it growls when it’s hungry and how unsightly it can be when in a swimsuit. It’s educational too as she mentions that women around the world have their own ways of adhering to feminine cultural standards of beauty. For instance: did you know that women in the Orient have doctors surgically put creases in their eyelids? Or that Iranian women get nose jobs to look less Iranian? Did you know that women in the 1950’s wore girdles? It’s all TRUE! And today – as more women get botox, liposuction and boob jobs – we need to like ourselves and be okay with whom we are. So what if we’re over 40! So what if we have thin lips! Eve says all of that is okay because beauty comes in all shapes and sizes and we need to just give ourselves a great big hug and get over it already! I really love Eve and feel like she’s my best friend sometimes because when I’m on my third Twinkie and can’t fit into my jeans, I stand in front of my full-length mirror and tell myself, “Girl powers activate!” and not only go ahead and eat that Twinkie – but finish off a pint of Hagen Dazs just to spite the patriarchal world in which we live. Tawanda!

Fat Joe Speaks to Progressive Bitches and Hos

2006-07-18T14:18:00.000-07:00

Feminist stomachs jumped in anticipation when they heard that Fat Joe was going to speak at the Campus Progress National Student Conference in Washington on July 12th. While chain-walletted ladies with buzz cut tops and full armpits swooned in their Birkenstocks, Fat Joe greeted his audience, “Yo bitches! Where my real niggaz at?” The crowd went crazy. When asked how he felt about women in hip-hop the progressive rapper replied, I think they're bitches and hos."
One attendee of the conference responded to Fat Joe's appearance this way, "He's like the smartest person I've like ever seen speak at the conference. And, like he totally influences young people like us. He's like even smarter than Kanye West. Really. And Kanye cares about this country, too. They like both totally do. He also said like people shouldn't vote for Bush anymore and he's totally right."
Said Campus Progress organizer and blogger David H., "I'm fairly confident that Bush won't win the next election. We're using our smartest most progressive voices such as Fat Joe to relay that message to the people. And by the way, he's just stating the obvious; Women are mostly bitches and hos. I ought to know. I've dated like two of them - well, if you count that girl I kissed on a dare once at camp when I was twelve."

Bruce Springsteen to Ann Coulter: "You are in idiot!"

2006-06-28T06:41:00.000-07:00

The Boss really gave it to conservative glamour-gal and self-described polemicist Ann Coulter when he appeared on CNN's American Morning. When interviewer Soledad O'Brien commented, "...some people gave you a lot of flack for being a musician who took a political stand..." Springsteen chided, "Yes, they should let Ann Coulter do it instead." Adding, "If you turned on to -- present company included -- the idiots rambling on on cable television on any given night of the week, and you're saying that musicians shouldn't speak up? You know, it's insane. It's funny." His wife, Patti Skanklia could be heard in the background saying, "Right on, honey. *BEEEEEEEEEEEEEEElch*" in her quaint, mellifluous New Jersey patois.

The Boss is no idiot. As an undergraduate at Cornell University College of Arts and Sciences, Mr. Springsteen helped launch The Cornell Review. He graduated cum laude from Cornell in 1984, and received his law degree from the University of Michigan Law School, where he achieved membership in the Order of the Coif (an honor society for academic excellence) and was an editor of The Michigan Law Review.

At Michigan, Bruce founded a local chapter of the Federalist Society and was trained at the National Journalism Center. After law school, he clerked for Pasco Bowman II of the United States Court of Appeals for the Eighth Circuit, and was an attorney in the Department of Justice Honors Program for outstanding law school graduates. After a short time in private practice in New York City, he then worked for the United States Senate Judiciary Committee, where he handled crime and immigration issues for Senator Spencer Abraham of Michigan. He later became a litigator with the Center For Individual Rights in Washington, a public interest law firm dedicated to the defense of individual rights with particular emphasis on freedom of speech, civil rights, and the free exercise of religion.

The iconoclastic Ms. Coulter is known for making millions off of writing brilliant songs about the struggle of the working class, then pricing her shows so the working class would have to forgo food for the next month in order to afford the cheapest tickets to see one show. She is also known for bringing the bandana back as a popular emblem for rock rebellion, (sometimes used to cover male-pattern balding: see Leif Garrett.)

Keith Olbermann: Working Hard Toward Relevancy

2006-06-16T07:29:00.000-07:00

In hopes of becoming relevant, Keith Olbermann wrote a book emulating the styles of best-sellers Ann Coulter and former CBS reporter Bernard Goldberg. Mr. Olbermann, a former sports reporter for ESPN, currently hosts the MSNBC show, "Countdown" which enjoys a .06 rating. That makes "Countdown" tied for first place on MSNBC with Chris Matthews' show and 221st place in all of cable! So with his flaming success why write a book? "Because I'm really smart and people should know how smart I am. Also, because a .01 bump in the ratings would help like heck right now."
The book is somewhat controversial in that it names his rival, Bill O'Reilly, the "worst person in the world" ahead of and Abu Musab al-Zarqawi and Osama bin Laden, who has been responsible for at least 6 of the biggest attacks on the United States in the past 13 years, (WTC in 1993, the US embassies in Nairobi, Kenya and Dar es Salaam, Tanzania in 1998, the USS Cole in 2000 and the infamous attacks on the WTC and Pentagon on September 11th 2001.) When Keith was asked why, he replied, "Because that bastard is keeping me from owning the prime time slot in cable! He is totally why my show isn't #1. Oh, and Ann Coulter? I asked her out after she and Maher broke up and she told me to shove it. Me! Can you believe that? I'm much better looking than Bill Maher! What do I need - to hang out in the grotto at the Playboy mansion to get that bitch's attention?"

Mr. Olbermann earned widespread credibility as a non-biased reporter when he quit MSNBC because they "forced" him to report on the Clinton sexual harrassment case. He claimed it "sickened" him to have to say anything negative about the President of the United States of America. The reporting of the scandal would, "make me ashamed, make me depressed, make me cry," said the very sensitive Olbermann. He came back to MSNBC because, "I've changed. I revel in taking cheap shots at the President of the United States now. I don't know why - I just really do, I guess. But it has nothing whatsoever to do with bias."

Keith is also a winner when it comes to having friends! Of good friend and collegue Rita Cosby he stated, "Rita's nice, but dumber than a suitcase of rocks." And Keith is so good at finding opportunities for publicity that the day following Peter Jennings’s death from lung cancer, Olbermann had a brainstorm. He decided, "Cancer! What a GREAT way to get attention!" And revealed on-air that he had a fibrous tumor removed from his palate just 10 days earlier. Mind you, the tumor was benign, but Keith's adage is, "You have to strike the iron when it's hot! Like hurricanes, cancer stories move a lot of ad space for the news right now. And it's a great way for people to automatically think you're not an asshole even if you are. It was like my way of saying, 'See people? PJ and I, me and PJ.' [crossing his index and middle finger]"

While Zarqawi may have trained others in the use of ricin for possible attacks in Europe, ran a "terrorist haven" in Kurdish northern Iraq, organized the bombing of a Baghdad hotel which took 22 lives and personally beheaded hostages Ken Bigley and Nick Berg, we progressives agree with Olbermann: O'Reilly and Coulter are much much worse!

Lesbian Jodie Foster Blasts Bush Administration

2006-05-17T15:25:00.000-07:00

A lesbian actor from Hollywood doesn't like the President? It may sound shocking, but it's true! In what could be explained as the main reason for the President's ever sinking numbers, Hollywood lesbians are joining the long list of disgruntled interest groups that no longer support his policies.

Despite the chill wind a-blowing around Hollywood that keeps most stars silent in regard to politics these days, Jodie Foster decided to "come out" against the man she and other Hollywood lesbians once so fervently supported. In a graduation speech on May 15th at the University of Pennsylvania Ms. Foster stated that the US and the world are worse off than they were four years ago. The actress also criticized US officials for their "disastrous and shameful" handling of Hurricane Katrina. She then finished her speech quoting fellow Ivy Leaguer and rap artist Eminem, "You better lose yourself in the music, the moment You own it, you better never let it go You only get one shot, do not miss your chance to blow This opportunity comes once in a lifetime yo," and received a standing ovation from the crowd.

Comedian Yakov Smirnoff was among the approximately 6,000 graduates at the ceremony. When asked about Ms. Foster's speech, he simply said, "An actress can get a standing ovation at a graduation speech by quoting a white rapper? Vot a country!" and added, "I know vot I'm going to say if I get asked to come back to do speech, I'm going to say,'Take heed 'cause I'm a lyrical poet Miami's on the scene just in case you didn't know it My town that created all the bass sound Enough to shake and kick holes in the ground 'Cause my style's like a chemical spill Feasible rhymes that you can vision and feel'"

Some are baffled at why Foster would suddenly take a pot-shot at a once beloved political figure amongst Hollywood lesbians. Political analyst / Air America radio host Randi Rhodes sees it this way, "Well... Jodie probably wants to give John Hinkley incentive to try to kill this president since she doesn't like him. And she probably waited until now because now he has a good opportunity since he's out of Saint E's on the weekends. I'm hoping her plan works. Hey! If you can't beat 'em, kill 'em - that's what I always say!"

di-'sId-er ?

2006-05-08T09:51:00.000-07:00

My right wing "friend", (after all, how can you really have a right wing friend when you know they're going to turn you in at any given moment for the weed you're growing in your attic and selling to the middle school kids near your house?) claims that "decider" is a word and Bush used it correctly. When I pressed her for a source she claims it was something called a "Dictionary". It apparently contains meanings of all kinds of words and it's laid out alphabetically. She said that it's better than spell-check because it's the source for the people who program spell-check, although I have a hard time taking her word for it given that she voted for George Bush. Plus, I've only just heard of this book so the question lies, who actually wrote it? Was it some right wing Bush apologist who inserted that word in there to make him look good? Why doesn't Babs Streisand know about this book if it exists legitimately? Sounds to me like yet another fixing of facts from the culture of corruption.

Stephen Colbert: American Hero Speaks "Truth to Power" To the Prez

2006-05-05T09:41:00.000-07:00

Comedian Stephen Colbert, (pictured left, bravely offering himself as a martyr to the liberal cause,) spoke at the White House Correspondent's Dinner last week. He caused an uproar when in lieu of being funny, he decided to let President and Mrs. Bush have it. But instead of his unfunny diatribe being covered by the national media, it was deliberately censored by the US government and its willing shills; the mainstream press. Such bravery deserves a medal - not like those phony Purple Heart thingies they give to the Fascists who do Bush's dirty jobs - but to real American heroes, like Colbert, who would sacrifice their funniness to seize an opportunity to get paid a lot of money to echo the views of their television audience. Kudos, Stephen. Unlike the slave-owning white men capitalist fascists who started this racist country - you are a true American hero.

Love & The Big Idea

2006-05-04T11:43:00.000-07:00

Former ad man and current TV host Donny Douche made out with former US Presidential candidate, John Kerry on his show “The Big Idea” Tuesday night. “So, John,” began the interview, “I have to say, you look so good tonight.” Then he moved closer on the couch. “What’s your secret? Who does your hair?” he asked, sifting Kerry’s silvery threads through his fingers. “Well, Donny, I did my own hair today. Do you like it?” Donny moved a little closer – almost uncomfortably invading Senator Kerry’s personal space. Senator Kerry didn’t know what he was feeling; excited, nervous, tantalized, teased and frightened all at once. “I’m not making you nervous, am I, John?" Douche asked confidently. Senator Kerry pursed his lips and licked them, trying to hide his trembling anxiety, “Yes, Donny. But … it’s just those french fry warmer lights you have in this studio. I’m a little … hot.” Donny motioned to his stage manager with a quick nod. “Fred! Fred! Dim those Fresnel’s a little. Mr. Kerry is roasting up here! So what are you and Teresa up to?” Maybe it was the way he said “Teresa” – half sarcastic in his best faux Euro-trash accent. It was like a taunt, almost – a dare; Ta-RAIS-ah. “We’re fine. We’re doing what we do. You know how it goes: ketchup, mustard, relish, 57 varieties.” Donny raised an eyebrow and let go of the Senator’s silvery locks. His hand fell, resting on his shoulder. “So, you and Senator Clinton – are you friends?” “Yes!” said Kerry with a burst. “We’re… good friends.” He was unconvincing. His voice wavered as if he had to think about it, “Really. We are. I swear.” Donny looked into the Massachusetts Senator’s expressive eyes. “I love you…’re style.” The Senator licked his lips. He could no longer fight it. “Oh, what the hell!” he said, resigning himself to temptation. He could feel shockwaves throughout his lanky body the minute Donny’s lips touched his. He slightly parted them enjoying the moist invitation of Douche’s tongue. Then Donny pulled away quickly. "Well, that's all we have for this show," he stated. "Join me again when my guest will be Chuck Schumer - the other Senator from New York - the sexy one." With that, Senator Kerry felt heat envelop his body from head to toe. Was it envy? Maybe, but then that's just the politics of love and public relations.

Tim Robbins: An Expert At International Relations, The Law and Counter-Terrorism!

2006-05-02T08:41:00.000-07:00

Actor Tim Robbins, (left, dancing with his mother, Susan Sarandon,) blasted the US government's policy on terrorism saying, "You know, like we really shouldn't fight terrorists unless we are going to fight ourselves because we're the real terrorists." "Clinton lied about a blowjob, and got impeached by the media and Congress," continued the actor with a degree in Playing Make Believe from UCLA. "Waco was okay because... um, it just was. So what if the Clinton administration lied about using flammable tear gas that burned 76 people alive and so what if they attacked their own people on their own soil on the basis of false information. That's different. So what if Vince Foster wound up on a scenic overpass off of the George Washington Parkway with a slug in his head and all of the incriminating Whitewater papers came up missing, and so what if Ms. Clinton was found with over 400 personal FBI files of Craig Livingsone's ... that's different. They're not the Bushes and they invited us to parties. The Clintons made actors feel like smart people who are important." Robbins apparantly has secret sources that counter the 9/11 Report, "(Bush) got us into (the Iraq) war based on lies that he knew were lies." When a reporter asked, "How do you know that Bush lied intentionally about the war when there's no proof of that and everyone else - including the 9/11 Report- has reported that it was faulty intelligence?" Robbins replied, "Oh. I see. You're a Faux News reporter. I'm not going to answer your questions. Of course you believe the so-called 'professionals' you big Hitler. Well I refuse to answer you Ms. FAUX NEWS.. Ms., Ms., Ms., Pravda! Only Pravda was more honest than YOU'LL ever be!" Then new "CBS Evening News" reporter, Katie Couric asked, "Mr. Robbins, if you could be a flower, what flower would you be?" Robbins replied, "I'd be a daisy, of course. I big, pink, frilly daisy."

Keith Richards Falls Out of Tree - Seriously Injures Self

2006-05-01T06:52:00.000-07:00

Rolling Stones guitarist Keith Richards suffered a concussion in Fiji when he reportedly fell out of a palm tree there. "Yeah, I was ubinthe pahmtreean ubdullmina hahahah fillamin a hitmahed nez thinginew uh oh hahahah wuzin hozpidial NewZealand," said Mr. Richards from his hospital bed in New Zealand.

No one is quite sure what he was doing in a palm tree, but rumor has it that it was a suggestion from another rock star/genius and friend Bruce "I'm-not-Jewish-nor-did-I-change-my-name-to-a-non-Jewish-spelling" Springsteen. Springsteen apparantly suggested, "Why don't you geddup in that tree and look around for a while or just hang out. It'll be cool. You could write a song about it - get some coconuts, break 'em open, eat 'em, yadda yadda yadda. Okay. Cool."

Bush Appoints Hate-Filled Goebbles Wannabe Tony Snow for Mouthpiece Position

2006-04-26T13:55:00.000-07:00

By now we all know that Bush appointed Fox News guy, Tony Snow, to replace Scott McClellan as Press Secretary. McClellan was forced out of the position by the Bush administration because his mother - Carole Keeton Strayhorn - embarrassed the Bush/Cheney/GOP regime by running as an Independent for Texas goverener. But who has the last laugh?

In another “I told you so” moment, Democrats everywhere are sticking their collective tongues out and pulling their thumbs out of their collective asses to stick them in their ears and say, “AHA!” Once back in 2003 Tony Snow once said, “no sensible person supports racism” and further that racism is, “quickly becoming an ugly memory,” essentially saying that racism is a great thing and we should all support it. Mr. Snow also once made controversial comments about the holiday Kwanzaa – saying, “Isn't that that holiday invented by Ron Karenga to give a Black alternative to Christmas?” Implying that it was just made up by some guy willy-nilly because he didn't like Christmas and that there’s no African origin in the holiday, Kwanzaa. But that doesn’t come as any surprise to anyone who knew that Bush was going to appoint a mouthpiece akin to David Duke so he could further his propaganda whilst his metaphorical “Rome” burns – or floods – or melts its ice caps or drills in its wildlife refuges or any of the myriad of other disasters that Bush plans in the near future so he can distract us from the Iraq quagmire, take over the world and continue to raise oil prices and fill Haliburton’s pockets. Is it mere co-incidence that when Tony Snow was 5 years old he told his dad he wanted to be a policeman? Even then the tyke had a penchant for totalitarian authority. He most likely had dreams of pounding his kindergarten classmates of color with a nightstick and handcuffing them with FlexiCuffs while they bled to death. And rumor has it that Tony Snow once borrowed a #2 pencil from a high school classmate in 1971 and never returned it! Just another thief in the Bush administration – but thievery is their middle name, isn’t it? Bush Thievery Administration. How many lives have the Bush’s stolen needlessly in the name of Halliburton?

Before becoming Bush’s mouthpiece, he was Bush I’s first as chief speechwriter (Deputy Assistant to the President for Communications and Director of Speechwriting) and later was Deputy Assistant to the President for Media Affairs (1992-93). He has appeared on radio and television programs like The McLaughlin Group, the McNeil-Lehrer News Hour, Face The Nation and Crossfire.. Prior to the 1994 elections, Snow was the writer, correspondent and host of a PBS news special, The New Militant Center, which anticipated some of the upsets that shook the political establishment. The Democrats say he never stopped working for the Bush’s, as in 1996 he took a job with Fox News – a television network started by Rupert Murdoch with the specific intent of shoving reich-wing propaganda down the throats of Americans so that he (Rupe) can then get a kickback from the government in the form of de-regulation and a share of Halliburton profits.

Angelina Jolie Does Her Best To Make Other Celebs Look Bad

2006-04-26T09:54:00.000-07:00

What can one say about the lovely Angelina Jolie? She's well-spoken, intelligent, beautiful and puts her heart and money where her mouth is. She has said, "My role as goodwill ambassador has made my work as a film star relatively dull. I can't find anything that interests me enough to go back to work. I'm not excited about going to a film set." She saves 1/3 of her money, lives on 1/3 of her money and gives away 1/3 of her money. She won an Oscar, and 3 consecutive Golden Globe awards, giving them all to her mother because she does not need awards to feed her ego. She gives her Oscar gift bags to charity. She's adopted 2 children. She founded the National Center for Refugee and Immigrant Children in Washington, D.C., an organization that provides free legal-aid to children who previously had no access legal representation.

But there's another side to Angelina. A selfish, more in-your-face anti-Hollywood side. She recently betrayed all of her peers. No, not by driving her gas-guzzling American made black Ford Truck - I think most of us have gotten over that by now - It is something she plans to state in an ad she's placing in the USA Today newspaper. Jolie states up front in the ad: "I'm an actress, and certainly no foreign policy expert."
WHAT??!!
What a slap in the face to the likes of Babs Streisand, George Clooney and Shirley MacLane! In case you didn't know, Ms. Jolie, actresses are experts in foreign policy!! Look at all of the times you have to attend foreign film festivals! Look at all of the times you and your interpreters have to speak on foreign television to promote a film! And how about all of the times the people of your industry meet Kings, Princes and Queens? Actors, actresses, trained animals and the like, all have the inherent gift of foreign policy born into them. They don't need schooling, they just need to see a couple of Michael Moore's films or get all of their history lessons from friends of friends of friends who once read a book written by Howard Zinn. And even that isn't necessary for a star. They acquire their foreign policy knowledge from the air, the water and their past lives.
She does go on in the ad, "I chose to take out this ad because when Congress returns from recess, they have the chance to fully fund peacekeepers in Darfur. The situation in Darfur has been going on far too long. It's only getting worse. Reports are pouring in about mass atrocities including children getting raped and killed. If people are aware of the facts, I believe many will be driven to action"...blah blah blah Who cares about Darfur when Americans are inflicting the environmental Holocaust? Did she not read the latest issue of Vanity Fair? My God, woman! Stop rinsing your dishes before you put them in the dishwasher and get your priorities straight!

Natalie Maines & Dixie Chicks: Bigger, Badder and Not Ready to Make Nice!

2006-04-17T14:24:00.000-07:00

Wow! It's been a while since we heard from Natalie and the "Chicks" after they were driven underground by conservatives. Well guess what? Natalie got up, brushed the Oreo dust off of her moo-moo, got down to a size 16W and she's ready to rock once again! The Chicks' new single "Not Ready to Make Nice" speaks plainly about the pain and hurt they felt when people disagreed with Natalie's statement, “Just so you know, we're ashamed the president of the United States is from Texas,” at a concert in England back in 2003. Maines was apparantly insulted that many Americans felt embarrassed that she was from the United States. Maines said, "I should have the freedom to say whatever I want as a celebrity - and I shouldn't have any consequences. I mean, if I say 'Hey y'all! You all er stupid for votin' fer that Bush feller fer president!' I'm exercising my freedom of speech. My stupid fans should recognize that and keep on buying my records and going to my shows - that's my right." Her chubby little face scrunched up, "The fans shouldn't have the right to deny me my 10 million dollars just 'cause they don't like my politics."
Natalie’s next plans are to do a full spread in Plumpers magazine and there's talk of a spokesperson deal with the womens' clothing store, Dots. "I have so much a-goin' on right now that ain't nobody can stop me lessen they sit on me, and I'm a-feared that I'd win that 'un!" "Not Ready to Make Nice" references the best selling Laura Ingraham book, "Shut Up and Sing" and is currently getting some airplay on the radio all over the U.S.

Green Celebs Share How They Are Saving the Planet!

2006-04-17T09:29:00.000-07:00

It's always a pleasure to be preached to by celebrities! They know so much more than we do about everything! They may not be well educated or even smart - but they do make a lot of money and get tons of attention - and that makes them better than us! So when celebrities gave tips on how we can conserve energy in the latest issue of "Vanity Fair" I thought, "Boy! We had better listen or we're doomed!"

Some of their really useful tips? Julia Roberts - who qualifies her expertise by once having portrayed enriro-activist, Erin Brockovich in the movie of the same title - suggests that you, "don't rinse your dishes before you put them in the dishwasher." She's currently building a 40,000 square foot solar powered home and suggests that we use a metal re-usable cup next time we go to get coffee and re-use our grocery bags.

George Clooney, who flew to the interview in his veggie-oil powered Airstream IV, drove from the hotel to the photo-shoot in his fully-electric, zero-emission, two-seater Tango. "Every so-called 'American' should get one" says the really, really smart actor,"that and a villa in Lake Como. Everyone should have those two things - I mean it - it would seriously change your lives, people. Seriously. You gotta walk the walk.” The car retails for $108,000.

Says Robert Kennedy Jr., "When I was throwing rocks off of overpasses onto oncoming cars and even when I was shooting up smack, I would often recycle my used needles by passing them to another addict. I was always caring about the environment." According to Bobby Jr's take on the Hurricane Katrina disaster, "Haley Barbour is reaping what he has sown." for opposing the Kyoto protocol. And continued, "perhaps the hurricane hit Mississippi the hardest at the last minute because Barbour was the governor." Wow. Compassion and smarts! Isn't that a Kennedy trademark?

More tips? "Have one of your servants hang your clothes on the line instead of putting them in the dryer," Ms. Roberts suggests. "Then ask one of your gardeners to plant a garden for you - that way, you can eat food that is actually grown in your garden - oh - and don't throw your cigarette butts out the window of your car. Those filters take like, about three weeks to biodegrade. Like, I'm totally serious."

President Mackenzie Allen Returns for a Second Term!

2006-04-14T12:04:00.000-07:00

The show people call, "Softcore for Democrats" (due to its high ultimate-fantasy-come-true factor,) is back! ABC's "Commander in Chief" - the show about the first woman president of the United States - had been on a long hiatus due to fear by executives that if they put it up against Fox's "American Idol" it would fall so low in the ratings that media researchers would need a microscope to read them. But due to the show's phenomenal
writing and ABC's commitment to agenda driven programming this awesome series is back and better than ever! This season the producers promise to make the Republicans more evil and backbiting than ever, the first man more emasculated, (just the way we like 'em, eh girls? Gutless n' Sexy!) And our heroine will keep fighting the good fight - fending off evil Christians who dare to have Christmas trees where people can see them and jailing those who protest against abortion in public. Rumor has it that this season President Allen will use the FCC to clamp down on people who present viewpoints that are not "cool" with the awesome Hollywood progressives! You can bet your bippy I'll be watching!

The Other Gyllenhaal - the girl - is Pregnant and Engaged!

2006-04-12T13:36:00.000-07:00

Whats-her-name Gyllenhaal - the sister of "Brokeback Mountain" star Jake Gyllenhaal, famous for the line, "I wish I knew how to quit you!" just got engaged! Gyllenhaal is cast in Oliver Stone's upcoming 9/11 film "World Trade Center" and believes that the United States deserved the attack yet feels, "a bunch of grief for the little Eichmanns and their Nazi families who died in the catastrophe." Like Jane Fonda and most actors Ms. Gyllenhaal continues to live, work and make scads of money in the U.S. because, despite the danger of being put in a concentration camp by Fuhrer Bush, "Where else can I say whatever I want without having my genitals mutilated or make truckloads of money playing dress up for a living? Do you know how much French movies pay - or should I say, don't pay?! Why don't you ask Molly Ringwald. She only did movies there because she was washed up here."

So who is the lucky guy? That guy in that movie with Jodie Foster - the one about the plane where you're not sure if she really has a daughter or if her daughter is missing. He was also in the movies, "Garden State" and "Jarhead". If you did happen to see those movies, he was the creepy guy. I did not see those movies, but I hear he usually gets cast as the creepy guy in movies so I'm guessing. He's kind of like a cross between Ed Norton and Gary Sinise. Anyway so ... they're pregnant! AND getting married! Apparantly Scientologists aren't the only ones who can find love and get pregnant in Hollywood!

Non-Violent Rap Community Loses One of Its Own

2006-04-12T13:02:00.000-07:00

Shockwaves ripple through the otherwise non-violent rap community as Deshaun Holton – otherwise known as “Proof” - was gunned down at a night club Tuesday night. Police were called to the scene around 5 a.m. after reports of gunfire and fighting at the club, which was operating illegally after-hours. Police say 32 -year-old Proof tried to settle an argument by shooting fellow patron, Keith Bender, in the head injuring him. Another shot was fired, hitting Proof and killing him. Detroit policeman Sgt. Omar Feliciano said they do not know who fired the shot that killed Proof. The club was empty when police arrived. The victims were taken by private vehicles to St. John Conner Creek, an outpatient treatment facility, where Bender was treated and Proof was pronounced dead. “I don’t know what to thay. Every thong, every video – we’re thuch advocath for peath and non-violenth and we try to get that methage out there ath much ath pothible that thith ith jutht shocking,” said Buddist/peace advocate Rap/Hip Hop mogul Ruthel Thimmonth.
Proof was instrumental in making rap mega-star Eminem a mega-star and maintained a best friendship with him.

Political Genius Affleck Shows Just How Much He Knows on Bill Maher's Show

2006-04-10T13:25:00.000-07:00

Democrat Activist Actor Ben Affleck said that President Bush, “probably leaked” noted CIA pencil pusher / Vanity Fair cover girl Valerie Plame's name and noted that, “if he did, you can be hung for that! That's treason!” “You could be killed." Showing off just how aware he is of what is going on he continued, "That's not a joking around Tom DeLay 'I'll do a year, I bribed the state officials with corporate money.' That's like they shoot you in the battlefield for doing that.” Although DeLay has not been charged with bribery, Affleck's secret actor powers can get inside DeLay's brain and see that he eventually wanted to bribe officials and that alone should constitute a crime just as all thoughts and statements that go against Hollywood leftist thought should be against the law. Affleck appeared on "Real Time with Bill Maher" with Senator Joe Biden and author Bill Sammon.
Affleck went on to call DeLay a “criminal.” After Mr. Sammon asserted that the left had lost their poster boy after DeLay resigned, Affleck answered, "Tom DeLay personally gerrymandered that district so severely that it looks like a map of Italy....There won't be a Democrat elected in that seat for a thousand years. You can't say he's the poster boy for the left. He happens to be an incredibly powerful Republican who is a criminal and now you blame Democrats for pointing it out!" Maher nodded in agreement. Actually DeLay's redistricting gave away Republican seats to less Republican districts so Republicans could win there - but hey! It's Affleck - so what if he doesn't get his political facts right - my grandma thinks he's just hunky dory and has vowed to suffer through any sequels to "Gigli" and "Jersey Girl" or any other crappy movie Ben plans to make.

Director's Crappy Movie Failed Because of Bush Administration

2006-04-03T11:20:00.000-07:00

The man who directed the original "Basic Instinct" says that "Basic Instinct 2" flopped because of the Bush administration. Paul Verhoeven stated that because, "Anything that is erotic has been banned in the United States," people were forbidden to see "Basic Instinct 2" and that is the only reason it shared 10th place with "Larry the Cable Guy: Health Inspector" grossing only $3.2 million this opening weekend. "People had to risk being put in concentration camps or locked up in the Guantanamo Bay facility if they wanted to purchase tickets to this movie. If they didn't want to risk that, then they would go and see that Ice Age movie with Ray Romano. They were scared." The Dutch director who has chosen to make the U.S. his permanent home went on, "Look at the people at the top. We are living under a government that is constantly hammering out Christian values. You don't see George Bush sticking cigars up any young large womans lollerpop, do you? You don't see George Bush asking Paula Jones for blowjob, do you? You don't see George Bush asking Babs Streisand for that either, do you? Or any other finalists at the Phyllis Diller lookalike contest. Or... well, you get the point, yes? That is what is wrong with the President of America. He is loyal to his wife. What a shame," a distraught Verhoeven told the Hollywood Reporter. "And Christianity and sex have never been good friends." The director may have a point, given that most Christian births simply and inexplicably happen through osmosis, whereas secular progressives tend to get pregnant via sperm and egg - or "the old fashioned way". The director of such classics as, "Voorbij, Voorbij", "Showgirls" and "Celebrity Naked Ambition" has made his opinions clear about Christians, stating, "... the whole Christian religion is a major symptom of schizophrenia in half the world's population: civilizations scrambling to rationalize their chaotic existence. Subsequently, Christianity has a tendency to look like magic or the occult."

No one has yet heard from Michael Caton-Jones, the director of "Basic Instinct 2."

Alec Baldwin Says, "If you can't stand the heat, there's no shame in running away like a little girl!"

2006-03-28T14:29:00.000-08:00

Alec Baldwin was 30 minutes into a guest spot on the Brian Whitman show on WABC when Sean Hannity called in, "Are you the guy that said of our vice president, while we're at war, while we're leading troops in harm's way - are you the reckless, third-rate Hollywood actor who said that Dick Cheney is a terrorist? Are you the guy . . " Baldwin replied, "Yes, I am." Hannity continued, "who said to stone Henry Hyde to death? Are you the guy who said our president is a CIA mass murderer? I wanted you to come on the program and defend that, you gutless coward."
Baldwin, "No. I won't. You're hateful! Hateful! And you'd better stop it or I'll tell my mommy." Talk radio host Mark Levin joined in, "We've only just begun - are you 40 or 50 pounds overweight now?" Then Hannity chimed in, "Once and for all you need to be challenged. You want to call our vice president a terrorist - fine. You want to talk about stoning people to death, say it on my program. If you want to be irresponsible and call our president a mass murderer while he's at war leading troops in harm's way ..." To which the highly intelligent Baldwin replied, "And what are you gonna do about it, Sean Hannity? Huh? I've got the whole Academy of Arts and Sciences on my side, I've got Rosie O'Donnell on my side and believe me - her nuts are hairier than yours and mine put together!" The brilliant Mr. Baldwin went on with perhaps his wittiest comeback to date, "And what are you gonna do? And what are you going to do about it, Sean Hannity. If I come on your program, what are you going to do? Huh? I'm askin' you a question! What are you going to do, Mr. Long Island Man." Levin interjected, "You have a two-digit IQ." Before scampering out of the room not to return, Mr. Baldwin pointed out that once upon a time Sean Hannity did construction work, and that made him an inferior person. Alec never had to work construction. Mr. Baldwin receives an Oscar gift bag each year worth nearly $20,000, flies around in a private jet regularly, gets whatever table he wants whenever he wants at his favorite restaurant and can beat the hell out of any woman who gets in his way. What a man!

Celebrity Heroes Spotlight: Eye on Dick Belzer!

2006-03-26T06:46:00.000-08:00

What a talent! What a brain! Yes! It's Richard "Dick" Belzer! You've seen him in numerous TV shows and celebrity roasts. Belzer rose to the top after years of doing Shecky Greene routines. According to his bio he was a social misfit and was kicked out of every school he ever attended due to his lack of ability to concentrate. After the six years it took Richard to graduate high school he attended junior college where he majored in theater. His reading disability came back to haunt him when he learned that unless you are a needed and talented athlete, junior college requires a sixth grade reading level prerequisite- even with a theater major. He dropped out before the year was up. Dick tried his hand at comedy. One night after seeing Dick perform, his father (Charles) committed suicide.

Dick didn't let his fragile build and lack of intellectual success stop him, he went on to pay someone to ghost write a few books. One touching on a subject very close to his heart, "UFO's, JFK, and Elvis: Conspiracies You Don't Have To Be Crazy To Believe" (Ballantine Books, 1999). Dick has had not one, not two but three successful marriages! And while sometimes he gets knocked down Dick will always hire his lawyer to get him back up again! Wrestler Hulk Hogan hurt him while demonstrating a wrestling move on a 1986 TV show called 'Hot Properties'. He was knocked unconscious and required stitches on his head. He sued Hulk for $5 million, but later settled out of court. Due to excessive wimpiness, Mr. Belzer has difficulty doing anything requiring physical activity and in a twist of irony was recently injured again when Hulk Hogan's daughter accidentally hit him in the face with her hair when she turned her head. Mr. Belzer was knocked unconscious and taken to the hospital where he recieved three stitches in the face. He has not decided whether he will sue Ms. Hogan or not, fearing her father may again kick his ass for real this time.

Mr. Belzer claims that he knows more than any of the soldiers in Iraq because he "reads" 20 newspapers a day and they don't. Okay Dick - we believe you, *wink wink*. But that's our Dick! He lives to make us laugh - whether the joke is on him or not.

Erica Jong Bravely Declares, Bush is a Dictator, We Live in a Theocracy & Charlie Sheen is a True Patriot

2006-03-25T06:41:00.000-08:00

When "Showbiz 2-Nite's" investigative entertainment reporter, A.J. Hammer asked "Erica Jong to comment on the theory that 9/11 was an inside job, she replied, "I think it`s very patriotic to investigate it. Throughout all of history the basic premise of tyrants has been -- dictators, shall we say. And I think it`s fair to say that George W. Bush is a dictator. Has been if you tell the people they have an external enemy, they`ll follow you anywhere." Imparting her extensive knowledge of the history of the Third Reich she noted, "That was what Goebbels told Hitler to do." But it's easy to make the comparison between Bush and Hitler, given Bush's establishment of work camps for people who openly disagree with his policies and Bush's $4.3 billion in aid to Africa, (Hitler was big on foreign aid - particularly to non-white continents/countries). Jong went on to criticize Bush's declaration to jail those who refuse to attend church and follow his call to prayer every morning from his bully pulpit/White House balcony. Risking death she said, "I think that he is a dictator. Most of the people do not believe that this country should be a theocracy." She criticized his staunch opposition to school vouchers and social security reform, "Most of the people in this country are pro choice. And yet, he blithely goes on ignoring the will of the people. I call that a dictator."

On the fun side of the interview was her sexy admission that she did - in fact - screw Martha Stewart's then husband, Andy, "I did something really stupid at the Frankfurt book fair but hey, it was a quarter century ago. I was only 55 years old. Ahhhh. The indescretions of youth." ...and the many gallons of liquor that Mr. Stewart had to injest to get those beer goggles on!

"Call Me Insane, but George Bush did 9/11." Says Actor Charlie Sheen.

2006-03-24T13:27:00.000-08:00

Like his famous father, the "Two and a Half Men” star won’t be duped by whatever the Bush administration uses to put forth their wacky agenda-driven propaganda – particularly when it pertains to the big 9/11 lie, "I was up early and we were gonna do a pre-shoot on Spin City, the show I used to do, I was watching the news and the north tower was burning. I saw the south tower hit live, that famous wide shot where it disappears behind the building and then we see the tremendous fireball," says the actor best known for frequenting prostitutes and beating his ex-wives and girlfriends.
"There was a feeling, it just didn't look any commercial jetliner I've flown on any time in my life,” Like most movie-star families who care about energy conservation, the Sheen family only flies commercial. All of the Sheens have engineering degrees and pilot licenses and are experts on how a Boeing 767 is able to maneuver in the air - particularly when the pilot's goal is to kill everyone aboard. "Show us this incredible maneuvering, just show it to us. Just show us how this particular plane pulled off these maneuvers. 270 degree turn at 500 miles and hour descending 7,000 feet in two and a half minutes, skimming across treetops the last 500 meters." He said, addressing the many treetops that were skimmed before slamming into the South Tower of the World Trade Center.
“…later on that day I said to my brother 'call me insane, but did it sorta look like those buildings came down in a controlled demolition'?” Despite multiple witness accounts and the 125 people who died in the Pentagon and their loved ones and co-workers, the 64 who died on the plane that hit the Pentagon (flight 77,) as well as the phone calls made from flight 77 from the plane, Sheen also questioned whether a plane actually hit the Pentagon.
"It is up to us to reveal the truth. It is up to us because we owe it to the families, we owe it to the victims. We owe it to everybody's life who was drastically altered, horrifically that day and forever. We owe it to them to uncover what happened. Now if you’ll excuse me I have a date with a hooker. She’s going to let me beat her with a bag of oranges." We believe you Charlie just as you believe in the little bugs that crawl all over your bedroom walls and body after a regular night out with the gang!

Georgia Senate: Not "Fonda" Jane

2006-03-17T06:58:00.000-08:00

The lovely and bulimic nymphomaniac actress who burst onto the scene in the film "Barbarella" is in the news again. Now it's because the Georgia Senate nearly uninimously defeated a resolution that would have officially honored her charity work in that state. No, we're not talking about all of the free blow jobs she's given out to Ted Turner's pals and the elder statesmen of the Atlanta Braves baseball team - The resolution cited the Atlanta resident's work as founder of the Georgia Campaign for Free Third Trimester Abortions, donations to universities, and acting Goodwill Ambassador to the United Nations - waiving her $35 per hand job fee for Kofi Annan for a straight month. "I can think of no living American who is less worthy of this honor," "She is as guilty of treason as Benedict Arnold and Tokyo Rose," said Republican Sen. John Douglas, referring to Ms. Fonda's trip supporting the North Vietnamese during the Vietnam conflict in 1972.

The effort was defeated 38-1.

Hatred is Not an Isaac Hayes Value: Legendary Singer/Cartoon Voice Quits "South Park" Due to Scientology Intolerance

2006-03-15T13:49:00.000-08:00

After 10 years and 150 episodes, Isaac Hayes has finally called it quits on “South Park”. Hayes' character Jerome "Chef" McElroy first appeared in the beloved long-running cartoon in the episode, “Cartman Gets an Anal Probe” and since has given us some great moments. He regaled us with tunes like, “Chocolate Salty Balls”, “The Prostitute Song” and his touching love song to Kathy Lee Gifford.
A devout Scientologist, Mr. Hayes quit after the child friendly cartoon took a turn for the intolerant when it aired the episode, “Trapped in the Closet” in which the character Stan is believed to be the reincarnation of Scientology founder L. Ron Hubbard. “There is a place in this world for satire, but there is a time when satire ends, and intolerance and bigotry towards religious beliefs of others begins." "As a civil rights activist of the past 40 years I cannot support a show that disrespects those beliefs and practices."

“Trapped in the Closet” was the first time South Park creators satirized a religion. They have deliberately stayed away from controversial issues – particularly dealing with religion – out of respect for the faith-based community at large. Among the groups they have not made fun of: Christians, Muslims, Mormons and Jews. Since its debut in 1996, South Park has won praise and an Emmy award for a satirical wit far outstripping most American television shows. Says co-creator Matt Stone, "To bring the civil rights struggle into this is just a non sequitur. Of course, we will release Isaac from his contract and we wish him well."

Norman Mailer Says, “Hey Stupid America! You’re Dumb! Come On Over To Our Side!”

2006-03-14T11:34:00.000-08:00

"Every night, Karl Rove prays that 52% of America stays stupid! grrrrrowwwwwumph!! Are we on? uuuuuuuuu uuhhhhhomph!!" Norman Mailer said while battling serious phlegm at a New York Society for Ethical Culture forum on March 2nd. Mailer and the guy who played Dylan from “90210” (pictured together,) have been running from network to network to promote a book they wrote together entitled, “The Big Empty: Dialogues on Politics, Sex, God, Boxing, Morality, Myth, Poker and Bad Conscience in America”. "It makes Americans feel good Owwwwwumph!! to fly a flag whenever something uuuuuuuuuhhmmmph bad happens.” “Democracy is not something you inject into a sick country and make it well. Uuuuuhhhhhhhooooumph!! Wow! Does anyone have a tissue handy?” He stated regarding the Bush administration's decision to democratize Iraq.

Mailer then ran to the Leonard Lopate show addressing what he termed the "dissonance and ill-humor" that exists in America now, "50 years ago we on the left used to laugh and laugh and we were so happy -uuuuuuwaaaahumph!! Jeez! [at] how stupid the opposition was and we laughed. And we’re still laughing." One reason for that prevalent dissonant feeling in America? "The greediness and emptiness of the corporations – the emptiness and the lack of moral ethos in the administration," said Mailer who has been married six times, and stabbed his second wife Adele Morales with a penknife at a party for not bringing him a martini quickly enough.

But the topic wasn’t all politics on the Lopate show. The Octogenarian was candid about what it sometimes feels like to be elderly and disoriented, “You drop us from an airplane and we don’t’ know if we’re in Cincinnati or Omaha, – and we used to.”

Norman Mailer first gained notoriety for being one of thousands who banged Marilyn Monroe in the 1950’s and has been a longtime activist for social justice. Always on the right side of the issues, his activism led to the parole of convicted killer Jack Abbott in 1980 who murdered someone approximately ten minutes after being released, was convicted again, and returned to prison. Mr. Mailer is author of the books, "The Executioner's Song" and "The Naked and The Dead" among many others of note, mostly written in the 1970's or earlier.

The Cloonster: He’s not Just a Mimbo, He’s a Proud Liberal

2006-03-13T11:51:00.000-08:00

“I am a liberal. And I make no apologies for it. Hell, I'm proud of it.”
He said, after being seriously maligned by his comrades in Hollywood for fighting to get the movies, "Syrianna" and "Good Night and Good Luck" distributed. “Too many people run away from the label. They whisper it like you'd whisper ‘I'm a Nazi.’ Like it's dirty word.” And it certainly is in Hollywood. Look at all of the Bush supporters in the Hollywood community. They continue to make millions and millions of dollars – their films are the only ones lauded with awards – their actors the only ones given Oscar gift bags.
But Mr. Clooney will not be silenced when it comes to discussing today’s hot topics, bravely addressing the need to outlaw “Jim Crow” laws and give women the right to vote, “But turn away from saying ‘I'm a liberal’ and it's like you're turning away from saying that blacks should be allowed to sit in the front of the bus that women should be able to vote and get paid the same as a man," Wow. Take that, Conservatives! He's speaking about today's hot political injustices - not still cashing in on Lincoln freeing the slaves or Eisenhower's sending the National Guard to defend the "Little Rock Nine" - which happened years ago - and which conservatives still trot out to make their case for being an historically "progressive" party.
"The fear of been criticized can be paralyzing. Just look at the way so many Democrats caved in the run up to the war. In 2003, a lot of us were saying, where is the link between Saddam and bin Laden? What does Iraq have to do with 9/11? We knew it was bullshit." Mr. Clooney stated. He knew there were no weapons of mass destruction, why didn't the Clintons, John Kerry or France? I'll tell you why. Unlike the Clintons, John Kerry or France, Mr. Clooney is not so afraid that he will stick his head in the sand and pretend everything is okay just because it's fashionable. It was that simple, that plain and that easy.

Foreign policy is his hobby when he's not acting. And he has a gift. We all can see it - he just knows things. Despite so-called proof - the Cloonster knows there were no terror training camps in Iraq. No threat to the U.S.A. - the country that Clooney loves so deeply. Saddam Hussein was good to his people and Iraq was a stable, happy place until the evil Bush empire thrust Democracy onto them against their will.

In short he summarizes, "Bottom line: it's not merely our right to question our government, it's our duty." A message to those trying to silence or bully him: don't. Because he won't shut up for anyone.

Jacko Tries to Move On, But Neverland Employees Just Won't Leave Him Alone

2006-03-13T09:11:00.000-08:00

Nothing seems to get Jacko down; not the police who hound him constantly over alleged child molestation charges, not the stalker “Billie Jean Jackson” who claimed to be Jacko’s wife from her padded cell, not his gut-wrenchingly sad divorce from Lisa Marie Presley – a marriage we were all rooting for – not even his nose that can’t seem to stay attached to his face. Poor Michael Jackson has been afflicted with so much pain and suffering in his life that it’s a wonder he’s still so together about it all.

The ever optimistic Michael Jackson seems undaunted by recent events at home in Neverland, and threats of a possible lawsuit filed by the State of California. While Jacko tries to get on with his life, shuttling in and out of Manama, Bahrain, courtesy of Prince Abdullah, Neverland employees are trying to extort him, (via lawsuit,) out of $500,000 of back pay and fines they say he owes them. They are accusing Michael Jackson of not paying them for three months of work and blaming him for being dropped from their health insurance. Dean Fryer, state Department of Industrial Relations spokesman told the Associated Press: "People are telling me they haven't been paid from Dec. 19." At that time, Jackson was four weeks behind with the payroll and there was a fear that the staff would not be able to celebrate the holidays that follow December 23rd – whatever those holidays may be. In the meantime, Jackson had the Prince fly in about a dozen friends on his dime, and gave them each lots of expensive and simply fabulous presents that would make the Oscar gift bags look like a child’s Halloween booty!

Jacko was out when a news source reported that, "Michael is here and he's happy. He doesn't want to get into bad things going on at home. That part of his life is over." Good for you Mikey! We hope he can finally find a nice girl and settle down, too.

Good Advice From Shamed Journalist Hero!

2006-03-10T13:02:00.000-08:00

Discredited CBS anchorman Dan Rather, who stepped down in the wake of “memo-gate”, said the press "ought to be doing a better job." "American journalism is in need of a spine transplant," Rather told about 600 people at the Star Forum at Cherry Hill High School West in Cherry Hill, New Jersey on Wednesday. The newsman proposed "Rather's rules," saying reporters should “try passing off more bogus documents as real IF it will unseat a Republican politician." He said the media should offer less so-called “facts” and "more phony documents.“ “Some are bound to get through unchecked. Why not give it a whirl if it advances your political cause?" He addressed what went wrong with the career-ending "memo-gate," "Our problem was that we got lazy. We didn’t hone our document reproduction skills. We never had to check and see whether or not government issued typewriters from 1972 came standard with a superscript key before. We’d been getting away with it for so long we didn’t feel we needed to.”
Rather said media improvement was needed for society's well-being.
"American journalism at its best is a public trust and is deeply bound up in our system of checks and balances," he said. “But to hell with checks and balances if you, personally know what’s right.”

Rather was the final speaker in the Star Forum's 13-year run. Other speakers included Roger Ebert, Bill Clinton, Goldie Hawn and Desmond Tutu.

The SS Used German Shepherds, but Gene Simmons Prefers Rottweillers

2006-03-10T11:25:00.000-08:00

Shock-rocker Gene Simmons showed his anti-French Poodle bias by saying, "If I go through a neighborhood, I don`t want a little French poodle," Displaying his xenophobic neo-Nazi tendencies he added,"I think the world has become a bad neighborhood. "It`s good to have a Rottweiler in office. I strongly support him,"(meaning President Bush.)

When interviewed on CNN's "Anderson Cooper 360" Anderson asked, "More and more celebrities speaking out about the war. Gene, is that their place? How do you feel about it all?" Simmons replied, "Well, I think celebrities are wonderful, and I think you should always take the political point of view of somebody who lives in Malibu seriously." Do I detect a note of sarcasm directed toward our pal Babs Streisand? Well, Gene, maybe real celebrity heroes like Babs Streisand, Joan Baez and Peter Yarrow think there's nothing wrong with French Poodles. At least they know how to roll over, lie down or play dead if they're attacked - and we all know that's the peaceful solution to all the problems of the world.

Tim McGraw & Faith Hill - They May Look & Talk Like it but Turns Out They're Not Just Hillbillies!

2006-03-09T09:05:00.000-08:00

Unlike Toby Keith who wrote the anthem for xenophobes, "Courtesy of the Red, White & Blue", or Lee Greenwood who proclaimed his Hitlerian tendencies by penning the nationalistic, "God Bless the U.S.A" singing, "I'm proud to be an American," there are two actual country singers who really DO love the U.S.A. Their names? Tim McGraw and Faith Hill. In a world where it is considered crass to lay blame during a crisis, Mr. McGraw found the courage to speak out against President Bush's failings regarding Hurricane Katrina.
"There's no reason why someone can't go down there who's supposed to be the leader of the free world … and say, 'I'm giving you a job to do and I'm not leaving here until it's done. And you're held accountable, and you're held accountable, and you're held accountable. This is what I've given you to do, and if it's not done by the time I get back on my plane, then you're fired and someone else will be in your place. '" That was Mr. McGraw's advice for President Bush. His brilliant wife merely said, "I fear for my country." and then added in a very ladylike tone, "This situation is Bullshit!"
They make a great point. It is actually in the President's job description to personally inspect every dam and every levee that might flood a town that lays 5 to 10 feet below sea level and provide as much money as possible to fund the repairs. It also clearly states in his job description that "...if the money that is given by the federal government to fix the levees and dams is spent on other projects, (such as highways,) then the governing bodies at the state level will remain blameless until they are provided even more federal money. The money shall not cease until the proper repairs are made and if those repairs are not made it shall still remain the fault of the President of the United States for not personally firing, hiring, picking up a hammer and building, driving any buses that might be used for evacuation, and micro-managing everyone on the ground."
Says Hill, "I fear for our country if we can't handle our people [during] a natural disaster. It doesn't take a brain surgeon to figure out point A to point B. . . . And they can't even skip from point A to point B."
And this beautiful community college dropout is practically a Rhodes Scholar on the subject of what does not require a brain surgeon's intelligence.

After Hurricane Isabel made landfall in 2003, our president was so woefully inept that he failed to evacuate any of the inhabitants off of the islands of the Outer Banks. Now all of Nags Head is condemned. After four hurricanes slammed Florida's coast in 2004, the poorest and most Demmocratic areas of Martin County, (which was hit directly 3 times in a row,) are uninhabitable. But who knows this better than the Hill-McGraw family? They once hailed from places near large bodies of water and and that makes them experts.

What's most comforting, is that McGraw expressed his own political aspirations when he told Time magazine, "I want to run for the Senate from Tennessee … Not now, but when I'm 50, when the music dies down." "Wouldn't Faith make a great senator's wife?" We think she would make the perfect trophy wife, Tim!

A True American Hero is Proud to be Out of Touch

2006-03-08T12:48:00.000-08:00

...and uneducated. Yes, that's right: uneducated. So what that the Cloonster didn't finish one year of college. What's the big deal? Our educational system is just another institution first instituted by a bunch of rich white guys designed to keep people propagandized so its properly propagandized people will continue doing the evil American capitalist whore's bidding; unlike Hollywood. Hollywood is the last frontier of good in the United States. Do they care about making money? Absolutely not! Do they care about their Oscar Gift Bags worth more than what you could feed the country of Kenya for a year? Certainly not! Do you think they are so vapid and shallow as to ever throw a fit in public if they don't get their favorite table at their favorite restaurant? Do you think George Clooney acts in films for money? So what that he flies around in his private jet and has a villa in Lake Como, Italy? "Everyone should," he says. Many a Bubba and Bubbette from Mississippi would benefit from having a villa in Lake Como if they would ever click off the WWE long enough to think about something other than the good ole U. S. of A. But they won't because it would threaten their xenophobic hegemony!
The Cloonster knows this. It's not that they can't buy a villa in Lake Como, it's that they refuse to.
"We're the ones who talked about AIDS when it was just being whispered, And we talked about civil rights when it wasn't really popular. This academy — this group of people — gave Hattie McDaniel an Oscar in 1939 when blacks were still sitting in the backs of theaters. I'm proud to be a part of this academy, proud to be part of this community, and proud to be out of touch."

Forward thinking Hollywood not only gave Hattie McDaniel an Oscar, but they cast her in a role that broke from African American stereotypes of the time. She was first cast as Scarlett O'Hara but was re-cast as Scarlett's chief council, "Mammy" after Hattie's own insistence. They re-wrote the dialogue so that "Mammy" wouldn't sound like an hysterical minstral-show reject, "It ain't fittin!.. It ain't fittin'! It jes ain't fittin'!" was the new, more sophisticated Hollywood dialogue written just for Ms. McDaniel.

When Southern Seperatist Democrats were firehosing and sicking dogs on peaceful civil rights demonstrators there was Elizabeth Taylor, Sandra Dee and nearly every other "star" of the time right there on the front lines getting attacked. When Bobby Kennedy issued the order to wiretap Dr. Martin Luther King, you can bet that Rosey Clooney threatened that she would no longer provide oral sex for the Attorney General if he continued to bug Dr. King.
Remember when Rock Hudson came out? And when he bravely announced to the world, "I have AIDS" and how Hollywood rallied behind him by not refusing to kiss or do love scenes with him on "Dynasty"? Then the next year, (1985) they made "Philadelphia" at a time when people were only whispering the word, "AIDS".
Remember how Harry Hamlin's movie career took off after his role as Bart McGuire (a gay man) in "Making Love"? He now commands nearly $10 million dollars for starring roles in Hollywood blockbusters.
You would never see a Hollywood actress pose in a magazine that touts itself as "A Magazine for Men," such as Playboy. And you will never see Hollywood promote breast implants, plastic surgery, botox or face lifts because - unlike corporate America - women in Hollywood have long-range careers and are valued regardless of the way they look or their age.
And remember all of the telethons and fund raisers put on by Hollywood? They did it just to raise money. They would have preferred to have just written checks - without the need for self-aggrandizing publicity. That embarrasses Hollywood - because Hollywood is anything but self-aggrandizing.
I hate to tell you, but Mr. Clooney is right, and as Dick Dreyfus pointed out - he's a hero to say so.
The parenthesis of this country is empty... void of any intelligence, culture, gentility, villas in Italy. And he should know; he's so intelligent that he only needed a partial year at the University of Kentucky to develop the boundless wit and knowledge of cultural history with which he has been naturally endowed.

Star of Krippendorf's Tribe Finally Capitulates to Public Pleas to Speak His Mind on Hot Political Concerns

2006-03-07T18:17:00.000-08:00

Oh Richard Dreyfus, (may I call you Dick?) I would really like to thank you for calling a press conference to let us know what you think of President Bush. Because we were dying to know...

whether you were still alive or not. We - the American public - care about you - I mean really care about you. We think about you practically constantly. I didn't know where you had gone. I surmised you had been eaten by seals in the Arctic. Then a friend of mine told me that, no, you died from a cocaine overdose. Turns out we were both wrong. You had been working all along on films like, "The Day Reagan Was Shot" and the made for TV movie, "Coast to Coast." You were busy playing Dicky Pilager in a film loosely based on the political life of Democratic First Lady Hillary Clinton and boy-toy-turned-corpse Vince Foster in, "Silver City". All brilliant productions, I'm sure. I just didn't see them, nor do I know anyone who did.
Then, like the resurrection of a new Messiah, you showed up one day to let us know what you think of President Bush and his policies.
Says the genius/actor who won an Oscar for the line, "I don't like the panties hanging on the rod,"
"Watch me lose my sense of humor if people accuse me of treason, 'That's not very O'Reilly of you, Mister Smarty-Pants,' or 'What would Sean Hannity have to say about that, Mister Too-Complex-for-Your-Own-Good?'"
I don't really understand the point you were trying to make, there. Are you saying that Bill O'Reilly thinks your pants are smart? Or that Sean Hannity thinks you are too complex for your own good? Yes. I bet Mr. Hannity thinks that - as we all do. Often I find myself sipping a Pimms No. 1 Cup and thinking, "Wow. That Richard Dreyfus is just too complex for his own good. Waaaaaaay too complex. Much more complex than my dog, Zack. Much more complex than Jessica Simpson or the actor who played Nicholas Bradford on 'Eight is Enough'." But we all know that it takes a complex mind to make a living playing make believe. It takes a huge amount of smarts to regurgitate lines written down in script format - particularly when you are dressed like a nerdy music teacher who's striving to find deeper meaning to his life. What a stretch that must have been for you.
Well, kudos to you Mr. Smarty Pants! Kudos for giving the American President a piece of your very complex mind. We've been waiting to know. We all had our collective breaths held in anticipation. The Shelmickedmu would say, "Jagga banga!" which roughly translates as, "More pigs than you can imagine," and I think that sums it up quite nicely.

Babs Streisand (inset) and her eco-frendly ocean-side mansion.

2006-03-07T07:56:00.000-08:00

Thank Gaia we have sumwon like Barbra Strysand on our side! A) she's rilly smart B) she makes a good kase for inny fite aginst stoopid peeple like George Bush. C) she rilly nos wot shee's talking about wenever she talks about sumthing. Take for example her latest dia-tribe aginst George Bush. She wrrites: "Over the last 5 years, Bush's leadership has resembled that of a dictatorship. The arrogance of this C student who maligns his opponents’ crediblity by calling them flip floppers, is the biggest flip flopper himself!" Notise how she klevverly mocks George Bush's C-averige grade point averige! Do yoo no wyy she duz that? Becuz SHE CAN! SHE, ladees an d gentelmen, is the very defeanishun of SMART!! Now I dunno whare she wint to Kollege, but I'm shure she has a Masters Degree or sumthing or at leest wint to Stanford or Kolumbia. All of us are much smarter than those dumm neo-con Hitlers. So wot if Bush haz an MBA from harvird! His dad prolly took tha test for him 2 git in. Here is more from the grate mind that is Babs strysand: "When debating Al Gore during the 2000 presidential elections, Bush spoke against nation building, yet went into Irag a year later to national build " I don't evin no where Irag is (and I googled it but nothing came up accept Barbra's website adn Google asking me, "Did you mean Iraq?".) But I no it must have oil becuz Bush invadid it - and becuz Barbra said so. And yoo can bet that Bush is still national building. "Now, more than four years after the worst attack on American soil, Bush and his adminstration have yet to capture Osama bin Laden, the person responsible for 9/11." Babs kares more about the war on terror than this adminstration. But doesn't that goe without saying? Bush shuld have caught OBL by now - Babs would have. She caught that Ryan O'Neal charakter in "What's Up Doc" and it only took her an our and a haff. I wonce had a friend who werked at a concert for Babs. It clearly states in her ryder "no I Kontact at inny time from the pee-ons!" He had the nerrv to look her in the eye for a full second. She had him fired. So wot if he had a new wife and baby to support?! You kin bet that Babs wuld have caught Osama by now and without wiretapping any AL Kiiida members or violating their rites!! I just wanted to say Thank U Barbra. You arr a troo patriot and so incridiblee brave for speeking out aginst this dictatoshp we call the "Bush Adminstration" and his illegal national building in Irag.