Wednesday, May 17, 2006

Lesbian Jodie Foster Blasts Bush Administration

A lesbian actor from Hollywood doesn't like the President? It may sound shocking, but it's true! In what could be explained as the main reason for the President's ever sinking numbers, Hollywood lesbians are joining the long list of disgruntled interest groups that no longer support his policies.

Despite the chill wind a-blowing around Hollywood that keeps most stars silent in regard to politics these days, Jodie Foster decided to "come out" against the man she and other Hollywood lesbians once so fervently supported. In a graduation speech on May 15th at the University of Pennsylvania Ms. Foster stated that the US and the world are worse off than they were four years ago. The actress also criticized US officials for their "disastrous and shameful" handling of Hurricane Katrina. She then finished her speech quoting fellow Ivy Leaguer and rap artist Eminem, "You better lose yourself in the music, the moment You own it, you better never let it go You only get one shot, do not miss your chance to blow This opportunity comes once in a lifetime yo," and received a standing ovation from the crowd.

Comedian Yakov Smirnoff was among the approximately 6,000 graduates at the ceremony. When asked about Ms. Foster's speech, he simply said, "An actress can get a standing ovation at a graduation speech by quoting a white rapper? Vot a country!" and added, "I know vot I'm going to say if I get asked to come back to do speech, I'm going to say,'Take heed 'cause I'm a lyrical poet Miami's on the scene just in case you didn't know it My town that created all the bass sound Enough to shake and kick holes in the ground 'Cause my style's like a chemical spill Feasible rhymes that you can vision and feel'"

Some are baffled at why Foster would suddenly take a pot-shot at a once beloved political figure amongst Hollywood lesbians. Political analyst / Air America radio host Randi Rhodes sees it this way, "Well... Jodie probably wants to give John Hinkley incentive to try to kill this president since she doesn't like him. And she probably waited until now because now he has a good opportunity since he's out of Saint E's on the weekends. I'm hoping her plan works. Hey! If you can't beat 'em, kill 'em - that's what I always say!"


Anonymous Col Cushenberry said...

Dear Sir,
I am writing to you to register my strong disapproval of your most recent disgraceful capitulation to the Mussulman fanatics and their ilk.

I speak from a certain wisdom and authority, which I fear is lacking in today’s youth and newsmen. I have had first hand dealings with these Mussulmen and realize the dire threat they pose to our Great Republic and our relations as Gentlemen with our fairer sex.

Many a time in my youth, I would peruse the magazines and newspapers as I lounged about, socializing with the hoi-polloi of my community. Moreover, although certainly we choose to be in mixed company with Gentlemen and Ladies (”Flappers”, to use the parlance of our time), at no time did we ever forget our social etiquette. Even in the underground saloons and speakeasies of Prohibition, certain proprieties were maintained.

However, I was not to be confused with any Little Lord Fauntleroy. As a youth, I grew up hearing my Grandfather telling me tales of the vicious deprivations of the Barbary Pirates and their cruel ways. He was a retired Sailor, and spun most enchanting yarns indeed.

Latter, as a man, trouble came upon our peaceful island nation, and we found ourselves thrust into battle against the Afghan tribes men. I will never forget those times as I served with General William Elphinstone in the first Anglo-Afghan war. They will remain for-ever seared into my brainpan. One of the many things I used to dream about, whilst surrounded by bearded Afghanis and their cloaked womenfolk with their fearsome ululating cries, was the thought of my immortal beloved’s fair and radiant face. How I yearned to see it again! How crushed I was when I received the postage letter from her mother, informing me of her untimely demise from the dreaded pestilence of Consumption. Are you surprised by my tears, Sir? Strong men also cry. Strong men also cry.

Upon my return to Blessed Civilization’s sweet embrace, I vowed to remain forever vigilant against any sort advances of these treacherous Mussulmen into our Great Republic. I take second place to no man in my commitment to this cause.

I have followed this “Celebrity Heroes” journal and found it to be a modestly well-written publication, with no more egregious errors than one would assume to find in any rag marketed to the common labourer. Now all of that has changed, I fear, as you seem to feel the need to submit to the most preposterous demands of any common two bit naer-do-well named Muhammet Ali or Muhammet Said, or whatever name is in their favour. In my time, I never thought I would see the day when these demands would be so meekly submitted to without ever the slightest hint of shame.

I of course am referring to your hiding the picture of your Miss Leslie Jodie Foster according to the demands of the Mussulman dress codes. When this publication was first created, you felt free to publish photos of this Leslie Foster dressed according to the fashions of the youth of this country. She wore a shirt that was short sleeved and felt no fear to do so. Now all of that has changed. Evidently, you and your staff received some sort of ominous correspondence; whether by the postmaster, or by telegram, I know not; and the demands of the Mussulman were plain to deduce. The Mussulman was offended by this provocative display of feminine charms and demanded that they be covered. And submit you did, by publishing only a blank screen with a scarlet X through it, to signal your submission to Mussulman rule.

Sir, have you lost your sense of honour and manly pride? If we are to allow the Mussulman to dictate to us that we are not allowed to publish a picture of a young Miss in contemporary fashion, what will be next? Will their next demand be that Miss Leslie be wearing that full-length burka? Was this Great Republic of ours really better served by your cringing servile nature? I shudder to think of the risk you have exposed our children and women folk to.

Sir, I warn you in advance. Do not try any sort of editorial trickery on me. I have some experience in the publishing business myself, and will not fall for any of your shenanigans.

Miss Leslie, allow myself as a Gentleman of high breeding and moral character to offer you my assurances that this disgracefully scurrilous rag of a paper does not reflect upon the habits and manners of the publishers in these United States. Nay, we are the Captains of Industry, and our Industry is publishing the truth. Just as the publishing of “The Goode Farmers Almanac” was one of our proudest moments, actions such as the aforementioned unmanly acquiescence are unseemly and disgraceful.

Sir, I am sure that I speak for both myself and the majority of your readers when I say the following to you. I demand that you cease to order your editors not to publish photos of this Miss Leslie, or any such young Miss against their will. Our noble suffragists, controversial as they may be to some, have come too far to allow one of their sisters to be so oppressed and poorly treated.

I fear the direction our Great Republic is going Sir. I fear it greatly.

Yours truly,

Colonel Hiram Horatio Cushenberry,

4th Dragoons Battalion, 127th Regiment, Retired

11:51 AM  
Blogger RR said...

I was hoping - no, baiting you into a return col. Cushenberry! Welcome back!

9:33 AM  

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