Thursday, November 30, 2006

Danny "DeVino" DeVito: Proud to be Drunken White Trash!

Danny DeVito appeared on TV show "The View" yesterday morning in a drunken stupor after a night of heavy partying with pal George Clooney. After he stumbled onto the set, he started ranting about how he had, "been at the White House during the Clinton... uh, the Clinton... time?" DeVito then launched into a boozy yet comedically brilliant rant against President George W. Bush. "Bluh, bluh bluh bluh bluh bluh bluh bluh, blee blee blee blee blee blee blee blee," said the former star of "Taxi", "Dum duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh dee dee mum mum mum mum mum mum blee blee blee blee," while Rosie O'Donnell laughed like her inner 3-year-old.

The diminutive former star also bragged that he and his wife Rhea Perlman made sure to "utilize every surface available" in the famous Lincoln Bedroom while they were guests of the Clintons. Said Mr. DeVito, "We did it everywhere in the Lincoln bedroom if ya know what I mean." Elisabeth Hasselbeck was trying politely not to vomit in her mouth when he continued, "We made it our business to wreck everything in the joint. I gave it to uRhea hard and many times with my 2 inch l'il smokey." Barbara Walters later divulged that she has, "seen many things in this world; hyenas feasting on dead gizelles in the rift valley, a woman with a goiter 3 times the size of a balloon, Fidel Castro nude, but the visual of DeVito and Perlman 'doing it' will cost me a few extra sessions at my therapist's."

Mr. DeVito's publicist Stan Rosenfield said that his client has requested Walters' phone number and that he would say "what needed to be said privately" to her. Ms. Walters' response? "As long is it doesn't conjure ANY and I mean ANY images of him or his wife doing ANYTHING without clothes... ANYTHING."

Thursday, November 16, 2006

Roseanne: Hears Voices and Hates Bush!

Roseanne: she's big, she's funny and she hates Bush like the rest of us! Barr, a high school dropout, was born with the type of natural political instinct and analysis that's bestowed on gifted people like George Clooney and Barbra Streisand. While she admits that she, like Babs, has a tough time spelling words like "government", her analysis is right on - like when she writes on her blog that, "Bush is going to declare war on China next, I swear." What an astute observation! Bush has been trying to "convince" us that he's working on positive relations with China by extending permanent normal trading relations with them, allowing China's accession to the World Trade Organization and wants to include China in multi-lateral talks with North Korea, but we all know secretly he's waiting for the perfect time to declare war behind our collective backs. Who cares if it doesn't make any sense geopolitically - or it completely conradicts every step he's taken with China so far - that's our Bush, right? He's our unpredictable idiot/savant who declares war on any country he chooses willy-nilly, while all the while mispronouncing "nuclear".

She talked about all of that and more with Larry King last Tuesday. When Larry asked her about her Chinese prediction:

KING: On your blog you write, "Bush is going to declare war on China next, I swear."

BARR: I was so scared because I woke up and there was the Drudge, you know. I always read the Drudge Report and it said on there that the Chinese were like, you know, spying on our subs or doing something with our subs and I was like, "Oh no, he's going to think that's an act of war and then we're going to go over there next." I mean we're everywhere. We're everywhere.

And she's STILL got it in the funny department:

BARR: I want to talk about my last joke where I'm going, "I hate the president. I hate the president! I hate Bush! I hate George Bush! I hate George Bush! I hate the president! I hate the president!"

HILARIOUS! It takes a comedic genius like Roseanne to come up with a joke like that. She claims that her writers only took a month to write it! Wow! That's talent!

Perhaps her astute political obervations can be attributed to her communication with otherworldly beings. Yes, Roseanne hears voices:

BARR: I hear like, voices and stuff. No they don't have names or if they do I can't pronounce the names because like they're from other planets and stuff and like can't speak no names like we do.

INTERVIEWER: Well, if they can't speak their names to you - how do they communicate anything else to you? Do you understand what I'm asking? If they don't speak English, per se, then how do you understand them?

BARR: It ain't like that. It's like I sense the energy and stuff and know what they're sayin'. It ain't like regular communication or nothin'.

What a brain! What a talent! And we can boast that she is yet another celebrity hero on OUR SIDE! Thanks Roseanne!

Tuesday, November 07, 2006

Voter Fraud! Voter Fraud!

I don't generally blog about politics unless it involves a celebrity, (hence the name "Celebrity Heroes" but this is something that really needs to be looked at and HARD! It's November 7th - the day of THE mid-term election of the century. Will Bush finally be impeached and his family get the comeuppance they deserve? Or will the RethugliKKKants steal this one too? I don't have much to fear in my own backyard, as I live in the lovely true-blue state of Minnesota. Proud home of Paul Wellstone, Eugene McCarthy and the judge that made Roe vs. Wade a household couple of names! This election makes me really wish I lived in Minneapolis' 5th District where they are going to elect the one and only Muslim House member! Isn't that exciting? See San Francisco and New York? We have people of color in our neck of the woods too! And I bet he'll get big stars here like Danny Glover, Harry "Day-Oh!" Belafonte, and that hunky dictator Hugo Chavez, (step aside Cindy Sheehan! He's all mine!) I'm simply giddy with anticipation.

But even though it's only dinnertime here in Minnesota as I write this, (12:36pm to be exact) I've smelled something around the blogosphere. It smells like a big sweaty, hairy armpit with some pachuli mixed in: it smells like voter fraud. See, while some may disagree in my lovely little blue state, we can still be civil, (by civil I mean make a point of not talking to one another,) in public. Not so in other places. The libby blogs are already reporting that this election - our historical revolution - was stolen ALREADY. Of course it had to happen, right? Why did we think Bush & Co. would stop now? Bush & Co conspired with Fox News and all of the other uber conservative media, (ABC, CBS, CNN, The Star Tribune, The Pioneer Press, The Washington Post, Boys Life, Time, Newsweek - the lot!) to paint the Republican party as the party of purity, the party of honoring the military, (even if they are a bunch of stupid thugs who don't deserve it! Speak truth to power, Kerry!) and the greatest party whoever lived. Why - you woulda thought that Abraham Lincoln was a Republcian or something! My Gosh! Nice try!

But I hate to tell ya, IF the Rethugs take the House and the Senate or the House or the Senate - you're right to smell a rat, people. They're already turning away undocumented Mexicans who aren't registered to vote! AND word has it that they are not letting the pre-registered dead people vote in New York! So, buckle up Dems. Because if we win, we won. But if we lost we know it's fraud!