Monday, October 30, 2006

Rosie O'Donnel Doesn't Mind Being Token Hermapradite on ABC's "The View"

When asked if Rosie O'Donnel minded being Barbwa Walters token Hermaphradite on ABC's, "The View" the 343lb star simply said, "No." and added, "They already have a cute, well-informed girl; Elizabeth. Mmmmm and she smells mighty good - it's her hair, mostly. I love clutching her hand when I have the opportunity, and the fire in her eyes when she presents facts or defends human life. She's firey AND feminine - just my type. Except that I'm married, of course, to a lovely woman. But it's nice... being near Elizabeth. Smelling her. So, no, I love having a penis and I don't mind that Barbara exploits that."
We sure don't mind either, Rosie!

Thursday, October 26, 2006

Michael J. Fox Pleads: "I need embroyos so I can make 'Back to the Future 4'"!

The brave Michael J. Fox started his day with a mission. He decidedly did not take his medication so when he was being taped for his latest commercial he could show the American public the unabashed ravages of Parkinsons disease. Michael J. Fox may be a big star - but he's also a victim. A victim of Republican policy to deny him his right to be cured by embroyonic stem cell research. That's why he's doing a series of commercials for various Democratic candidates across the nation. True, there is all kinds of stem cell research happening and many good treatments that have resulted, but we are also aware of the assured cure that specifically embroyonic stem cells can bring. Christopher Reeve would be alive today had the Republicans just allowed babies to be sacrificed at the alter of the mighty "superman". Republicans flat out refuse to give up their unborn, or even support using taxes to fund others to give up their unborn human beings to research or cloning. Imagine: we could clone another superman, or Michael J. Fox if only the Republicans did the right thing and ignored the ridiculous resemblance between embroyos and human beings. We could clone the entire cast of "Family Ties" and have a brand new season with fresh 21-st century ideas. We would all be excited for the next in the "Back to the Future" series. Perhaps it would have a plot where Marty McFly goes back in time collecting aborted fetuses for Dr. Emmett Brown so he could then start working on a cure before the Republicans ruined it all and started outlawing involuntary pre-human experimentation.

If that isn't despicable enough, Rush Limbaugh - the devil himself - dared imply that MJF did not take his medication as a deliberate form of self-exploitation for political purposes. Okay, so Rush was correct, but that's still a mean thing to do, given that MJF is a victim and Rush did not have proof that Mr. Fox did this. He simply reached this conclusion by basing it on statements Mr. Fox made in prior interviews and his book.

Well, it didn't deter Michael J. Fox from his mission: unseating Republicans so that he could eventually have his dream; a Parkinson's-free comeback all thanks to the blood, sweat and tissue of those little embroyonic heroes.

Wednesday, October 18, 2006

Cameron Diaz Was Right: Rape Is Now Legal

Well, Cameron Diaz warned us all. But the masses chose not to listen and voted for George W. Bush as their leader. Less than two years later, he signed a bill making rape legal. "I just want to say that men everywhere will remember this day as a happy one. There's a great feeling to know that any man can rape any other man, woman or child at any time without the fear of negative consequence. Hopefully this will increase the need for unwanted pregnancies and abortions; a boon to the economy in the medical world and an aid to forwarding embroyonic stem cell research. As we all know, you can't have embroyonic stem cells without embroyos; and I've never been secretive about my unwavering support of just this type of stem cell research. This will also show the world that we are sympathetic to those suffering from AIDS and other incurable and potentially fatal sexually transmitted diseases. With the increase of rape and the legalization of it, we will be forced to deal with this growing world wide epidemic head on, in our own neighborhood." He finished with commentary on how the government shouldn't judge what a man or woman does with his or her own body. If that man or woman wants to use their body as a weapon, it is not the place of the government to intervene.

CBS News reporter Katie Couric asked Cameron Diaz how she felt about being right, "Welp," started Diaz, "everyone said that what I said was stupid and like what did I mean by saying rape would be legal if people didn't vote. Welp this is what I meant. This very thing, totally. And like it really sucks to say 'I told you so' because this is so bad and all, but I totally told you so."

Thursday, October 12, 2006

Babs - A Klass Akt

Helloe everywon. Barbra here. How R U? I just wunted to cleer sum things up about wot hapned at that Madison Skware Garden shoe last weekend. First of all, we all no that george W. Bushe is an idiet. Right? Am I right forlks? U need prooof? Well just lissen to him talk. He talks like an idiet. Thats enuff proof. U, yoreself wuld have to be an idiet to think that man is smart. I meen pleeeez. Peeple say that becuz I didn't finish hi skool and I hav speling problems and he has a Harvard MBA and he wuz a fiter pilote and he wint to Yale and so on and so forthe that makes him smarter thin me - but lissen to him talk, I'm telling U. I meen, the way a persson talks is the total mesure of their brane, isn't it? Oh, rite, he talks that way so that peepel in the south will think heez won of them - baloney! My very good frend, Bill Clinton didn't do that. Bill CLinton sounded like a hick becuz he was the reel deel.

So anyhow- in between "Guilty" and "Evergreen" I put together this little skit with a guy dressd like Mr. Bushe. It was fun. We shoed wot an idiet he is. Sum peepel thot that it wasn't the time or place for taht sort of thing. I gess they just thot that I wuld sing and nuthing eldse. Gess they nevver reed my "Trooth Alurts" do they? Ok so the costoomed guy and me were x-changeing zingers and sum NEO-con wuz heck... hekk... helkel... giving me a hard time so I told him to shut the fu*k up. Such a deel! If you like Bushe then dont cum to my shoe or as I say in won of my favrit songs that I sing - dont rain on MY parade.

Friday, October 06, 2006

Ms. Magazine to Women – “Stand up and Be Proud of Your Reckless Sexual Behavior!"

Ms. Magazine asked famous - and non-famous - women all over the country to "come out and be proud" of their sexual recklessness and say, "Yeah! I had an abortion and I would do it again! No regrets!" The famous signatories include Ms. founder Gloria Steinem, comedian Carol Leifer, and actresses Kathy Najimy and Amy Brennemmenneman (?), - practically household names. When pressed, star of the once popular TV show, "Judging Amy" (? wasn't Tyne Daly in that show? anyway...) Amy Brennemmmenaman said, "It's really really important, that like, women and girls get to have abortions. Why should we have to make men wear condoms? It's about freedom. The freedom to bareback with anyone at anytime in any country on any continent, get pregnant over and over again, get any STD I want and it's none of the government's business - even if I spread it, and my legs, to the entire country." Star of "Sister Act II", Kathy Najimy, said, "As far as sex goes, I gotta take it where I can get it and if that means that the only way I can get it is by lowering my standards and not making the guy wear a condom, then he's the master: I don't question him." When asked, "What about you using birth control? There are about 143 different methods on the market now unlike in 1972." Ms. Najimy replied, "That requires going to the doctor, getting information, learning about that stuff, blah blah blah - do you think I got this junk in my trunk by being anything other than a lazy fat pig? Huh. Think again!" Carol Leifer just said, "Hey, I am what you call butt-ugly. All of the women in my family are. I look like this even with a great stylist. Just look at me for a second and ask yourself what kind of offspring I would have. I did. Hence my decision to abort."
Ms. Magazine is right: why should women take precautions? It's our bodies and the government and laws shouldn't dictate what we do with them. If we want to smoke or shoot heroin while we're pregnant - well, my body my choice. And to heck with anyone who tries to stop me, right Gloria?

Thursday, October 05, 2006

George Clooney: "I'm Going to Date Lots of Men - Including Rep. Mark Foley - to Get Back at the Paparazzi."

NEW YORK — Paparazzi, beware. George Clooney has a plan to put celeb-snapping photographers out of business.
"I want to spend every single night for three months going out with Representative Mark Foley and then walk on the beach holding hands with Leonardo DiCaprio. Before you say, 'but Foley is a Republican' Let me make this point, he's good looking and maybe I could get him to switch parties. Oh and - of course - it's not that I'm gay or anything. Absolutely not, no way, are you kidding? [nervous laughter] It's to... so that... um...people would still buy the magazines, they'd still buy the pictures, but they would always go, 'I don't know if these guys were putting us on or not.' You know, um... because people really think that much about me and my life and they think really hard about those pictures they see in the tabloids rather than just picking them up on their way out of the grocery store as a kind of way to make fun and laugh at us. No, they don't do that. They really, truly care. So I've really thought about this. Hard."

He had other nice things to say about his fellow thespians. Johnny Depp, said Clooney, "Is so smokin' I wish he played for 'our' team. I mean our softball team. Literally. We get together every Saturday. I swear that's the team I was referring to." And he thinks Clive Owen is "the big one - the whopper, if you catch my drift. And by the way he can catch my drift any time he wants," Clooney says. "He's, like, a man — there's a sexuality and a masculinity that I think is really interesting. MMMMM good. I mean - if I dated these guys - as a joke - wouldn't that be funny? Wouldn't that show the Paparazzi a thing or two?"

Vagina Monologues Writer Eve Ensler Defends Foley, Loved Being Molested by an Older Woman at 16 - Calls It a "Good Rape"

Genius and innovator Eve Ensler, (and my personal hero - along with Rosie O'Donnell) wrote "The Vagina Monologues" and now the brilliant "Stomach Monologues" and is currently working on "The Fingernail Monologues, (all they ever wanted was a marking)." But she came out swinging on behalf of Representative Mark Foley yesterday at the "World Can't Wait" march. After reading a poem she wrote about her father, Eve told the crowd of nearly 16, "You know, I am all for young people exploring their sexuality with their elders. Let me tell you a little something. 16 years old. There is this gorgeous and I mean gorgeous, 24-year old woman in our neighborhood. She invites me into her car. She asks me if I like to kiss boys, and I say, 'no I do not like that.'and she leans over, and she kisses me so softly on the lips, with her lips. And then she puts her tongue in my mouth. She asked me if I wanted to come to her house, and then she kisses me again, and tells me to relax, to feel it, to let our tongues feel it. She asks my mama if I can spend the night, and my mama's delighted, I'm scared, but really can't wait. I want to be just like her when I grow up. She makes a vodka for herself, and then she asks me what I'm drinking. I say the same as she's drinking. The pretty lady makes me a drink. Then she changes into this chocolate satin teddy. The alcohol has gone to my head,
and I am loose. I am ready. She does everything to me and my coochie snorcher that I always thought was nasty beforehand OH, MY GOD, I am excited. You know, I realized later, she was my surprising, unexpected, politically incorrect salvation. She transformed my sorry-ass coochie snorcher and raised it up into a kind of heaven." The crowd went wild with applause. "So you see," Ms. Ensler concluded, "If I say that I'm disgusted by what Representative Foley did, and if a peep is heard by anyone who ever performed or is a fan of 'The Vagina Monologues' about how Rep. Foley is some kind of pervert - then I guess that would make us hypocrites, wouldn't it?"

Monday, October 02, 2006

Rosie O'Donnell: "I don't see what's so bad about what that Foley guy did. Oh wait. He's a Republican? Then it's terrible!"

Rosie O'Donnell who fancies herself a "really politically savvy person of color" said, "Oh that Foley guy who was caught IMing a 16 year old boy is a terrible person and a pedophile." When asked about her coming on to a 15 year old female intern who was working on the smashingly successful "Rosie!" magazine back in 2001 she said, "It was consensual. She wanted it. She came in to work with her perky little happy D-cup boobies and she was such a cutie patooty I couldn't resist."