Wednesday, April 26, 2006

Bush Appoints Hate-Filled Goebbles Wannabe Tony Snow for Mouthpiece Position

By now we all know that Bush appointed Fox News guy, Tony Snow, to replace Scott McClellan as Press Secretary. McClellan was forced out of the position by the Bush administration because his mother - Carole Keeton Strayhorn - embarrassed the Bush/Cheney/GOP regime by running as an Independent for Texas goverener. But who has the last laugh?

In another “I told you so” moment, Democrats everywhere are sticking their collective tongues out and pulling their thumbs out of their collective asses to stick them in their ears and say, “AHA!” Once back in 2003 Tony Snow once said, “no sensible person supports racism” and further that racism is, “quickly becoming an ugly memory,” essentially saying that racism is a great thing and we should all support it. Mr. Snow also once made controversial comments about the holiday Kwanzaa – saying, “Isn't that that holiday invented by Ron Karenga to give a Black alternative to Christmas?” Implying that it was just made up by some guy willy-nilly because he didn't like Christmas and that there’s no African origin in the holiday, Kwanzaa. But that doesn’t come as any surprise to anyone who knew that Bush was going to appoint a mouthpiece akin to David Duke so he could further his propaganda whilst his metaphorical “Rome” burns – or floods – or melts its ice caps or drills in its wildlife refuges or any of the myriad of other disasters that Bush plans in the near future so he can distract us from the Iraq quagmire, take over the world and continue to raise oil prices and fill Haliburton’s pockets. Is it mere co-incidence that when Tony Snow was 5 years old he told his dad he wanted to be a policeman? Even then the tyke had a penchant for totalitarian authority. He most likely had dreams of pounding his kindergarten classmates of color with a nightstick and handcuffing them with FlexiCuffs while they bled to death. And rumor has it that Tony Snow once borrowed a #2 pencil from a high school classmate in 1971 and never returned it! Just another thief in the Bush administration – but thievery is their middle name, isn’t it? Bush Thievery Administration. How many lives have the Bush’s stolen needlessly in the name of Halliburton?

Before becoming Bush’s mouthpiece, he was Bush I’s first as chief speechwriter (Deputy Assistant to the President for Communications and Director of Speechwriting) and later was Deputy Assistant to the President for Media Affairs (1992-93). He has appeared on radio and television programs like The McLaughlin Group, the McNeil-Lehrer News Hour, Face The Nation and Crossfire.. Prior to the 1994 elections, Snow was the writer, correspondent and host of a PBS news special, The New Militant Center, which anticipated some of the upsets that shook the political establishment. The Democrats say he never stopped working for the Bush’s, as in 1996 he took a job with Fox News – a television network started by Rupert Murdoch with the specific intent of shoving reich-wing propaganda down the throats of Americans so that he (Rupe) can then get a kickback from the government in the form of de-regulation and a share of Halliburton profits.

Angelina Jolie Does Her Best To Make Other Celebs Look Bad

What can one say about the lovely Angelina Jolie? She's well-spoken, intelligent, beautiful and puts her heart and money where her mouth is. She has said, "My role as goodwill ambassador has made my work as a film star relatively dull. I can't find anything that interests me enough to go back to work. I'm not excited about going to a film set." She saves 1/3 of her money, lives on 1/3 of her money and gives away 1/3 of her money. She won an Oscar, and 3 consecutive Golden Globe awards, giving them all to her mother because she does not need awards to feed her ego. She gives her Oscar gift bags to charity. She's adopted 2 children. She founded the National Center for Refugee and Immigrant Children in Washington, D.C., an organization that provides free legal-aid to children who previously had no access legal representation.

But there's another side to Angelina. A selfish, more in-your-face anti-Hollywood side. She recently betrayed all of her peers. No, not by driving her gas-guzzling American made black Ford Truck - I think most of us have gotten over that by now - It is something she plans to state in an ad she's placing in the USA Today newspaper. Jolie states up front in the ad: "I'm an actress, and certainly no foreign policy expert."
What a slap in the face to the likes of Babs Streisand, George Clooney and Shirley MacLane! In case you didn't know, Ms. Jolie, actresses are experts in foreign policy!! Look at all of the times you have to attend foreign film festivals! Look at all of the times you and your interpreters have to speak on foreign television to promote a film! And how about all of the times the people of your industry meet Kings, Princes and Queens? Actors, actresses, trained animals and the like, all have the inherent gift of foreign policy born into them. They don't need schooling, they just need to see a couple of Michael Moore's films or get all of their history lessons from friends of friends of friends who once read a book written by Howard Zinn. And even that isn't necessary for a star. They acquire their foreign policy knowledge from the air, the water and their past lives.
She does go on in the ad, "I chose to take out this ad because when Congress returns from recess, they have the chance to fully fund peacekeepers in Darfur. The situation in Darfur has been going on far too long. It's only getting worse. Reports are pouring in about mass atrocities including children getting raped and killed. If people are aware of the facts, I believe many will be driven to action"...blah blah blah Who cares about Darfur when Americans are inflicting the environmental Holocaust? Did she not read the latest issue of Vanity Fair? My God, woman! Stop rinsing your dishes before you put them in the dishwasher and get your priorities straight!

Monday, April 17, 2006

Natalie Maines & Dixie Chicks: Bigger, Badder and Not Ready to Make Nice!

Wow! It's been a while since we heard from Natalie and the "Chicks" after they were driven underground by conservatives. Well guess what? Natalie got up, brushed the Oreo dust off of her moo-moo, got down to a size 16W and she's ready to rock once again! The Chicks' new single "Not Ready to Make Nice" speaks plainly about the pain and hurt they felt when people disagreed with Natalie's statement, “Just so you know, we're ashamed the president of the United States is from Texas,” at a concert in England back in 2003. Maines was apparantly insulted that many Americans felt embarrassed that she was from the United States. Maines said, "I should have the freedom to say whatever I want as a celebrity - and I shouldn't have any consequences. I mean, if I say 'Hey y'all! You all er stupid for votin' fer that Bush feller fer president!' I'm exercising my freedom of speech. My stupid fans should recognize that and keep on buying my records and going to my shows - that's my right." Her chubby little face scrunched up, "The fans shouldn't have the right to deny me my 10 million dollars just 'cause they don't like my politics."
Natalie’s next plans are to do a full spread in Plumpers magazine and there's talk of a spokesperson deal with the womens' clothing store, Dots. "I have so much a-goin' on right now that ain't nobody can stop me lessen they sit on me, and I'm a-feared that I'd win that 'un!" "Not Ready to Make Nice" references the best selling Laura Ingraham book, "Shut Up and Sing" and is currently getting some airplay on the radio all over the U.S.

Green Celebs Share How They Are Saving the Planet!

It's always a pleasure to be preached to by celebrities! They know so much more than we do about everything! They may not be well educated or even smart - but they do make a lot of money and get tons of attention - and that makes them better than us! So when celebrities gave tips on how we can conserve energy in the latest issue of "Vanity Fair" I thought, "Boy! We had better listen or we're doomed!"

Some of their really useful tips? Julia Roberts - who qualifies her expertise by once having portrayed enriro-activist, Erin Brockovich in the movie of the same title - suggests that you, "don't rinse your dishes before you put them in the dishwasher." She's currently building a 40,000 square foot solar powered home and suggests that we use a metal re-usable cup next time we go to get coffee and re-use our grocery bags.

George Clooney, who flew to the interview in his veggie-oil powered Airstream IV, drove from the hotel to the photo-shoot in his fully-electric, zero-emission, two-seater Tango. "Every so-called 'American' should get one" says the really, really smart actor,"that and a villa in Lake Como. Everyone should have those two things - I mean it - it would seriously change your lives, people. Seriously. You gotta walk the walk.” The car retails for $108,000.

Says Robert Kennedy Jr., "When I was throwing rocks off of overpasses onto oncoming cars and even when I was shooting up smack, I would often recycle my used needles by passing them to another addict. I was always caring about the environment." According to Bobby Jr's take on the Hurricane Katrina disaster, "Haley Barbour is reaping what he has sown." for opposing the Kyoto protocol. And continued, "perhaps the hurricane hit Mississippi the hardest at the last minute because Barbour was the governor." Wow. Compassion and smarts! Isn't that a Kennedy trademark?

More tips? "Have one of your servants hang your clothes on the line instead of putting them in the dryer," Ms. Roberts suggests. "Then ask one of your gardeners to plant a garden for you - that way, you can eat food that is actually grown in your garden - oh - and don't throw your cigarette butts out the window of your car. Those filters take like, about three weeks to biodegrade. Like, I'm totally serious."

Friday, April 14, 2006

President Mackenzie Allen Returns for a Second Term!

The show people call, "Softcore for Democrats" (due to its high ultimate-fantasy-come-true factor,) is back! ABC's "Commander in Chief" - the show about the first woman president of the United States - had been on a long hiatus due to fear by executives that if they put it up against Fox's "American Idol" it would fall so low in the ratings that media researchers would need a microscope to read them. But due to the show's phenomenal
and ABC's commitment to agenda driven programming this awesome series is back and better than ever! This season the producers promise to make the Republicans more evil and backbiting than ever, the first man more emasculated, (just the way we like 'em, eh girls? Gutless n' Sexy!) And our heroine will keep fighting the good fight - fending off evil Christians who dare to have Christmas trees where people can see them and jailing those who protest against abortion in public. Rumor has it that this season President Allen will use the FCC to clamp down on people who present viewpoints that are not "cool" with the awesome Hollywood progressives! You can bet your bippy I'll be watching!

Wednesday, April 12, 2006

The Other Gyllenhaal - the girl - is Pregnant and Engaged!

Whats-her-name Gyllenhaal - the sister of "Brokeback Mountain" star Jake Gyllenhaal, famous for the line, "I wish I knew how to quit you!" just got engaged! Gyllenhaal is cast in Oliver Stone's upcoming 9/11 film "World Trade Center" and believes that the United States deserved the attack yet feels, "a bunch of grief for the little Eichmanns and their Nazi families who died in the catastrophe." Like Jane Fonda and most actors Ms. Gyllenhaal continues to live, work and make scads of money in the U.S. because, despite the danger of being put in a concentration camp by Fuhrer Bush, "Where else can I say whatever I want without having my genitals mutilated or make truckloads of money playing dress up for a living? Do you know how much French movies pay - or should I say, don't pay?! Why don't you ask Molly Ringwald. She only did movies there because she was washed up here."

So who is the lucky guy? That guy in that movie with Jodie Foster - the one about the plane where you're not sure if she really has a daughter or if her daughter is missing. He was also in the movies, "Garden State" and "Jarhead". If you did happen to see those movies, he was the creepy guy. I did not see those movies, but I hear he usually gets cast as the creepy guy in movies so I'm guessing. He's kind of like a cross between Ed Norton and Gary Sinise. Anyway so ... they're pregnant! AND getting married! Apparantly Scientologists aren't the only ones who can find love and get pregnant in Hollywood!

Non-Violent Rap Community Loses One of Its Own

Shockwaves ripple through the otherwise non-violent rap community as Deshaun Holton – otherwise known as “Proof” - was gunned down at a night club Tuesday night. Police were called to the scene around 5 a.m. after reports of gunfire and fighting at the club, which was operating illegally after-hours. Police say 32 -year-old Proof tried to settle an argument by shooting fellow patron, Keith Bender, in the head injuring him. Another shot was fired, hitting Proof and killing him. Detroit policeman Sgt. Omar Feliciano said they do not know who fired the shot that killed Proof. The club was empty when police arrived. The victims were taken by private vehicles to St. John Conner Creek, an outpatient treatment facility, where Bender was treated and Proof was pronounced dead. “I don’t know what to thay. Every thong, every video – we’re thuch advocath for peath and non-violenth and we try to get that methage out there ath much ath pothible that thith ith jutht shocking,” said Buddist/peace advocate Rap/Hip Hop mogul Ruthel Thimmonth.
Proof was instrumental in making rap mega-star Eminem a mega-star and maintained a best friendship with him.

Monday, April 10, 2006

Political Genius Affleck Shows Just How Much He Knows on Bill Maher's Show

Democrat Activist Actor Ben Affleck said that President Bush, “probably leaked” noted CIA pencil pusher / Vanity Fair cover girl Valerie Plame's name and noted that, “if he did, you can be hung for that! That's treason!” “You could be killed." Showing off just how aware he is of what is going on he continued, "That's not a joking around Tom DeLay 'I'll do a year, I bribed the state officials with corporate money.' That's like they shoot you in the battlefield for doing that.” Although DeLay has not been charged with bribery, Affleck's secret actor powers can get inside DeLay's brain and see that he eventually wanted to bribe officials and that alone should constitute a crime just as all thoughts and statements that go against Hollywood leftist thought should be against the law. Affleck appeared on "Real Time with Bill Maher" with Senator Joe Biden and author Bill Sammon.
Affleck went on to call DeLay a “criminal.” After Mr. Sammon asserted that the left had lost their poster boy after DeLay resigned, Affleck answered, "Tom DeLay personally gerrymandered that district so severely that it looks like a map of Italy....There won't be a Democrat elected in that seat for a thousand years. You can't say he's the poster boy for the left. He happens to be an incredibly powerful Republican who is a criminal and now you blame Democrats for pointing it out!" Maher nodded in agreement. Actually DeLay's redistricting gave away Republican seats to less Republican districts so Republicans could win there - but hey! It's Affleck - so what if he doesn't get his political facts right - my grandma thinks he's just hunky dory and has vowed to suffer through any sequels to "Gigli" and "Jersey Girl" or any other crappy movie Ben plans to make.

Monday, April 03, 2006

Director's Crappy Movie Failed Because of Bush Administration

The man who directed the original "Basic Instinct" says that "Basic Instinct 2" flopped because of the Bush administration. Paul Verhoeven stated that because, "Anything that is erotic has been banned in the United States," people were forbidden to see "Basic Instinct 2" and that is the only reason it shared 10th place with "Larry the Cable Guy: Health Inspector" grossing only $3.2 million this opening weekend. "People had to risk being put in concentration camps or locked up in the Guantanamo Bay facility if they wanted to purchase tickets to this movie. If they didn't want to risk that, then they would go and see that Ice Age movie with Ray Romano. They were scared." The Dutch director who has chosen to make the U.S. his permanent home went on, "Look at the people at the top. We are living under a government that is constantly hammering out Christian values. You don't see George Bush sticking cigars up any young large womans lollerpop, do you? You don't see George Bush asking Paula Jones for blowjob, do you? You don't see George Bush asking Babs Streisand for that either, do you? Or any other finalists at the Phyllis Diller lookalike contest. Or... well, you get the point, yes? That is what is wrong with the President of America. He is loyal to his wife. What a shame," a distraught Verhoeven told the Hollywood Reporter. "And Christianity and sex have never been good friends." The director may have a point, given that most Christian births simply and inexplicably happen through osmosis, whereas secular progressives tend to get pregnant via sperm and egg - or "the old fashioned way". The director of such classics as, "Voorbij, Voorbij", "Showgirls" and "Celebrity Naked Ambition" has made his opinions clear about Christians, stating, "... the whole Christian religion is a major symptom of schizophrenia in half the world's population: civilizations scrambling to rationalize their chaotic existence. Subsequently, Christianity has a tendency to look like magic or the occult."

No one has yet heard from Michael Caton-Jones, the director of "Basic Instinct 2."