Wednesday, May 17, 2006

Lesbian Jodie Foster Blasts Bush Administration

A lesbian actor from Hollywood doesn't like the President? It may sound shocking, but it's true! In what could be explained as the main reason for the President's ever sinking numbers, Hollywood lesbians are joining the long list of disgruntled interest groups that no longer support his policies.

Despite the chill wind a-blowing around Hollywood that keeps most stars silent in regard to politics these days, Jodie Foster decided to "come out" against the man she and other Hollywood lesbians once so fervently supported. In a graduation speech on May 15th at the University of Pennsylvania Ms. Foster stated that the US and the world are worse off than they were four years ago. The actress also criticized US officials for their "disastrous and shameful" handling of Hurricane Katrina. She then finished her speech quoting fellow Ivy Leaguer and rap artist Eminem, "You better lose yourself in the music, the moment You own it, you better never let it go You only get one shot, do not miss your chance to blow This opportunity comes once in a lifetime yo," and received a standing ovation from the crowd.

Comedian Yakov Smirnoff was among the approximately 6,000 graduates at the ceremony. When asked about Ms. Foster's speech, he simply said, "An actress can get a standing ovation at a graduation speech by quoting a white rapper? Vot a country!" and added, "I know vot I'm going to say if I get asked to come back to do speech, I'm going to say,'Take heed 'cause I'm a lyrical poet Miami's on the scene just in case you didn't know it My town that created all the bass sound Enough to shake and kick holes in the ground 'Cause my style's like a chemical spill Feasible rhymes that you can vision and feel'"

Some are baffled at why Foster would suddenly take a pot-shot at a once beloved political figure amongst Hollywood lesbians. Political analyst / Air America radio host Randi Rhodes sees it this way, "Well... Jodie probably wants to give John Hinkley incentive to try to kill this president since she doesn't like him. And she probably waited until now because now he has a good opportunity since he's out of Saint E's on the weekends. I'm hoping her plan works. Hey! If you can't beat 'em, kill 'em - that's what I always say!"

Monday, May 08, 2006

di-'sId-er ?

My right wing "friend", (after all, how can you really have a right wing friend when you know they're going to turn you in at any given moment for the weed you're growing in your attic and selling to the middle school kids near your house?) claims that "decider" is a word and Bush used it correctly. When I pressed her for a source she claims it was something called a "Dictionary". It apparently contains meanings of all kinds of words and it's laid out alphabetically. She said that it's better than spell-check because it's the source for the people who program spell-check, although I have a hard time taking her word for it given that she voted for George Bush. Plus, I've only just heard of this book so the question lies, who actually wrote it? Was it some right wing Bush apologist who inserted that word in there to make him look good? Why doesn't Babs Streisand know about this book if it exists legitimately? Sounds to me like yet another fixing of facts from the culture of corruption.

Friday, May 05, 2006

Stephen Colbert: American Hero Speaks "Truth to Power" To the Prez

Comedian Stephen Colbert, (pictured left, bravely offering himself as a martyr to the liberal cause,) spoke at the White House Correspondent's Dinner last week. He caused an uproar when in lieu of being funny, he decided to let President and Mrs. Bush have it. But instead of his unfunny diatribe being covered by the national media, it was deliberately censored by the US government and its willing shills; the mainstream press. Such bravery deserves a medal - not like those phony Purple Heart thingies they give to the Fascists who do Bush's dirty jobs - but to real American heroes, like Colbert, who would sacrifice their funniness to seize an opportunity to get paid a lot of money to echo the views of their television audience. Kudos, Stephen. Unlike the slave-owning white men capitalist fascists who started this racist country - you are a true American hero.

Thursday, May 04, 2006

Love & The Big Idea

Former ad man and current TV host Donny Douche made out with former US Presidential candidate, John Kerry on his show “The Big Idea” Tuesday night. “So, John,” began the interview, “I have to say, you look so good tonight.” Then he moved closer on the couch. “What’s your secret? Who does your hair?” he asked, sifting Kerry’s silvery threads through his fingers. “Well, Donny, I did my own hair today. Do you like it?” Donny moved a little closer – almost uncomfortably invading Senator Kerry’s personal space. Senator Kerry didn’t know what he was feeling; excited, nervous, tantalized, teased and frightened all at once. “I’m not making you nervous, am I, John?" Douche asked confidently. Senator Kerry pursed his lips and licked them, trying to hide his trembling anxiety, “Yes, Donny. But … it’s just those french fry warmer lights you have in this studio. I’m a little … hot.” Donny motioned to his stage manager with a quick nod. “Fred! Fred! Dim those Fresnel’s a little. Mr. Kerry is roasting up here! So what are you and Teresa up to?” Maybe it was the way he said “Teresa” – half sarcastic in his best faux Euro-trash accent. It was like a taunt, almost – a dare; Ta-RAIS-ah. “We’re fine. We’re doing what we do. You know how it goes: ketchup, mustard, relish, 57 varieties.” Donny raised an eyebrow and let go of the Senator’s silvery locks. His hand fell, resting on his shoulder. “So, you and Senator Clinton – are you friends?” “Yes!” said Kerry with a burst. “We’re… good friends.” He was unconvincing. His voice wavered as if he had to think about it, “Really. We are. I swear.” Donny looked into the Massachusetts Senator’s expressive eyes. “I love you…’re style.” The Senator licked his lips. He could no longer fight it. “Oh, what the hell!” he said, resigning himself to temptation. He could feel shockwaves throughout his lanky body the minute Donny’s lips touched his. He slightly parted them enjoying the moist invitation of Douche’s tongue. Then Donny pulled away quickly. "Well, that's all we have for this show," he stated. "Join me again when my guest will be Chuck Schumer - the other Senator from New York - the sexy one." With that, Senator Kerry felt heat envelop his body from head to toe. Was it envy? Maybe, but then that's just the politics of love and public relations.

Tuesday, May 02, 2006

Tim Robbins: An Expert At International Relations, The Law and Counter-Terrorism!

Actor Tim Robbins, (left, dancing with his mother, Susan Sarandon,) blasted the US government's policy on terrorism saying, "You know, like we really shouldn't fight terrorists unless we are going to fight ourselves because we're the real terrorists." "Clinton lied about a blowjob, and got impeached by the media and Congress," continued the actor with a degree in Playing Make Believe from UCLA. "Waco was okay because... um, it just was. So what if the Clinton administration lied about using flammable tear gas that burned 76 people alive and so what if they attacked their own people on their own soil on the basis of false information. That's different. So what if Vince Foster wound up on a scenic overpass off of the George Washington Parkway with a slug in his head and all of the incriminating Whitewater papers came up missing, and so what if Ms. Clinton was found with over 400 personal FBI files of Craig Livingsone's ... that's different. They're not the Bushes and they invited us to parties. The Clintons made actors feel like smart people who are important." Robbins apparantly has secret sources that counter the 9/11 Report, "(Bush) got us into (the Iraq) war based on lies that he knew were lies." When a reporter asked, "How do you know that Bush lied intentionally about the war when there's no proof of that and everyone else - including the 9/11 Report- has reported that it was faulty intelligence?" Robbins replied, "Oh. I see. You're a Faux News reporter. I'm not going to answer your questions. Of course you believe the so-called 'professionals' you big Hitler. Well I refuse to answer you Ms. FAUX NEWS.. Ms., Ms., Ms., Pravda! Only Pravda was more honest than YOU'LL ever be!" Then new "CBS Evening News" reporter, Katie Couric asked, "Mr. Robbins, if you could be a flower, what flower would you be?" Robbins replied, "I'd be a daisy, of course. I big, pink, frilly daisy."

Monday, May 01, 2006

Keith Richards Falls Out of Tree - Seriously Injures Self

Rolling Stones guitarist Keith Richards suffered a concussion in Fiji when he reportedly fell out of a palm tree there. "Yeah, I was ubinthe pahmtreean ubdullmina hahahah fillamin a hitmahed nez thinginew uh oh hahahah wuzin hozpidial NewZealand," said Mr. Richards from his hospital bed in New Zealand.

No one is quite sure what he was doing in a palm tree, but rumor has it that it was a suggestion from another rock star/genius and friend Bruce "I'm-not-Jewish-nor-did-I-change-my-name-to-a-non-Jewish-spelling" Springsteen. Springsteen apparantly suggested, "Why don't you geddup in that tree and look around for a while or just hang out. It'll be cool. You could write a song about it - get some coconuts, break 'em open, eat 'em, yadda yadda yadda. Okay. Cool."